Thursday, 11 March 2010

And reappearing.

They say when you're young, and when everything goes wrong, it feels like the end of the world. They're right. But at the same time, you know it's only just getting started.

First things first:

Rachy got her call! Really, really pleased for her! She got the call at about 4am on 10th March, and didn't get the green light that all was a go until about 5pm that day. Hell of a wait. Can't really think of anyone who deserved this more, but it doesn't mean that there aren't others still waiting, so making sure as many people as possible are signed up is still really important. Last I heard she's doing well in the ICU. Yay!

**********************************************************

I quit my job.

I had to. I hated every time Friday came around. Plus, after a long Friday, it made it slightly harder to get to College on Saturday. A job is a job, but college is the important thing b/c without it, I'm doing nothing with my life. It wasn't the idea of quitting which I struggled with; it was more or less the fact that I'm 18, still with good lung function but I can't even manage a 6 hour day at work. Granted, I'd probably do much better at some, equally boring, but less taxing job where I'm sitting down all day rather than being on my feet the entire shift.

People keep telling me that I made the right decision. On one hand I agree with it but on the other I'm pissed I even had to make this choice. I have less and less Independence as I get older and it fucking sucks. It's supposed to go the opposite way. I rely on people so much and having a job was my way of proving that I'm not some invalid. Plus, the entire time, I've had this annoying question hanging over my head - If I can't manage a 6 hour day at work once a week, how in the hell will I (If I ever get in) cope on a two year, full time, 5 days a week (I think; it might be 4 days) foundation degree course at college?

Let me be the first to declare that I'm well and truly fucked.

I wish I could get a photography job. I don't even know how I'd manage that as I don't even have my full diploma qualification yet, but there's something about photography which gives me loads of energy (granted, this depends on how I'm feeling in the first place). I don't even understand that myself. The other week, I finally had energy and it was a really nice day, weather wise. Despite the fact that I'd woken up with my ankle protesting me even contemplating walking on it, I still went out. Yeah, that didn't help my ankle, but it didn't make it worse. And I forgot about it after walking a mile. I couldn't even believe myself how far I'd walked (especially given how crap I'd been feeling lately)- but I zone out when I'm taking pictures. I walked along part of the derwent river, then went to shotley bridge and over to a bunch of deserted houses. I couldn't get in any of these places, not for lack of trying, but they all had those really strong locks on the doors, and boarded up windows. Way to spoil my fun!










I was completely knackered when I got home after this. I didn't mind - at least this exhaustion was from actually getting out and walking everywhere rather than exhaustion from walking up the stairs.


It's uncomfortable lying on the floor. No idea why I do it!

2 comments:

Gemma said...

I wouldnt worry about your job, like you say, if you are enjoying something it gives you that energy to do it. So clearly you were not enjoying your job!
When I was your age I worked in a call centre whilst at college. Not much fun but the pay is pretty good and you are sat around! Its just finding something that works with what you are doing. You could even write to some photographers and ask to be their rookie? Anything is worth a try!! Worst that can happen is they say no!

Gem said...

I love your photos! Welcome back by the way!!!! :D

I agree with Gemma about asking about being photographers Rookie? If they do say no they may give you pointers to something you could do with photography instead before they take you on - for some experience maybe? They would have all started somewhere, so if they have any ideas it would be a bonus! Good luck!!!!! Xx

World mental heath day

So today was World mental health day. It seems a shame that so many people only feel able to speak out about mental health on one day of the...