Thursday, 26 April 2012

Back, again, but am I staying..?

I am the worlds worst blogger, although this is for many a reason. As always I blame the whole writers block thing, although maybe this one isn't true, I just don't have anything to write about, and I'm not talented enough to make sitting around doing fuck all sound interesting. But yeah, I was feeling bad about the crapness of my blogging, especially as I was thinking about Bree and how we used to talk about our blogs a lot, we'd always ask for input on everything from trying to find a non-shitty background, or each other's opinions on our most recent posts. Once people die, and they're one of the main reasons you did something, say blog, or go on msn, you find less of a reason to go on once they're gone. Bree was the only person on msn that I'd talk to who I don't now talk to on facebook chat, and she was also one of the people's who's blogs I'd look forward too, as they'd always be funny, witty and interesting, no matter what she was talking about.

Admittedly not many people seem to blog anymore, unless it's the type of blogs that get a lot of views, as people are actually interested in reading their stories and keeping updated on their health. Plus, I'm not the type of person who posts their blog on facebook (I have admittedly done once or twice, but only made it visible to friends who'd normally see this, ie. people with CF), although that seems to be the only way to let people know you've updated nowadays as clearly the dashboard part of blogger is now too ghetto. I don't really want to advertise it right now, and never really have. It's a public blog open to anyone who finds it, but I've always thought that by not telling people, it's a way to bitch and moan about CF and everything else, and possibly keep the CF side of my life apart from my normal life (if I have such a thing) and away from my friends and family.

Anyway yes, might as well get on with the update like I did in the old school blogger days. My last clinic appointment was both really good and a complete disaster at the same time. Thankfully the disaster part wasn't anything health related. I drove to hospital directly from Hexham which I've never done before, I got to a massive roundabout and completely forgot the way I was meant to go. I went straight ahead, and soon realised I was going the wrong way - I should have taken the first exit. Apparently. I got there in the end, but it took longer and I was straining my neck looking for every red 'H' sign indicating the way to the hospital. Add this to the fact that everyone had turned into a twat on the road that day, I lost count of the amount of people who ran give way signs and forced me to slam on the brakes. I'm not the most confident driver when I don't know where I'm going, I didn't think to pull over and use the sat nav, mostly as I always misread them and can't be sure if I'm meant to take the next left, or the second left, or if I'm meant to take that exit off the motor way (all things I've probably well and truely fucked up on an average journey) so I prefer just driving to places I know, and sticking to that, even if that's fairly limited and boring. Believe me, if you know what happened when I went to the beach last summer, and to a town I had never been to before in my life, you'd understand why I prefer to stick to where I know.

The good parts of clinic was that my lung function was stable, seems to be around mid 60's at the moment, I didn't take a close look at the numbers but they were close/almost the same as last time which is good enough for me - I've not had IVs for 2 months now, which is something I'm proud of, as last Jan I had some IVs before going to London for 4 days with college. Ended up running myself down to the point where I was back on IVs a mere 2 weeks later, something I wasn't impressed with as I don't cast myself as ill enough to need IVs that often, compared to others who are a lot more iller and need IVs to make their chest act their age. But yeah, 2 months and counting, I'm putting this down to the nicer weather - I always suffer a lot more in the cold and winter, but also to the fact that I'm properly doing both nebulisers twice a day all the time now. When I'm at college, I refuse to wake up 30 mins earlier (my eflow mesh's were getting on a bit and were starting to take 15 mins each, gahhh) and so I'd just skip the morning ones when I didn't have time. Now that I'm in my final weeks of college, attendance is down the the bare minimum, and I'm literally in maybe 5-6 times before the big and scary graduation. Providing, as my tutor was cheeky enough to point out, that I actually pass. I'm not massively worried, considering the distinction I got for my latest project, and the fact that I haven't failed a thing in my two years. All I need is a pass for the next two and I'm done and dusted.

Oooh digression. Back to clinic. My next IVs aren't until end of May - I've had them scheduled quite ahead of time, which is rare for me, but I'm going to try my very bestest to hold out until then, as they'll be 3 weeks of IVs, finishing right before I go to Spain for a week, which will be my first time abroad, on a plane, and my first proper holiday in years, so it's overdue and I refuse to let my chest ruin it. My weight was also up a bit which was a relief. I'm now 43kg, getting there, but not quite up to my target (not entirely sure what my 'target' actually is, but the fatter, the better :P)

Whilst at clinic I got my good old eFlow a yearly service, they took one look at the grey wire and said 'Well that needs replacing'. I may have a slight habit of standing on it. Thankfully the eFlow passed, even with it's 11 or so years of me dropping it from considerable heights. I also got two new neb sets, the whole shebang including mouth pieces and meshes (the metal bits). I may have got slightly more happy than necessary, its weird how happy I get from new nebs. But now it's nice and fast, and both nebs are finished within 15 mins, which has cut it down half the time, whoo!

So, on the offchance that you're all old school and still check the dashboard, see that I've posted and love me enough to read this rambled crap, you're very very nice :D I'll try not to make this one much longer!!

I'll admit I was wondering about maybe jacking in the blog, as like I said, I know this isn't a very commonly read blog. I'm not sure if its related or not, but I do feel a bit of an outcast in the whole 'CF community'. I don't talk to many others, whether it's down to my shyness of not talking first, or because they're busy and don't need me wittering on. But because of this, the few people with CF I actually know and talk to, it means there's not many people in the CF land that would read this. Again this brings me back to the beginning, thinking about Bree, as if I'd not blogged in a while, she'd notice, and ask why. It was the same with Lauren too. I'll admit I wrote a very angsty post about feeling like the black sheep of a crowd of CFers, but it was written in a bad mood when I was feeling quite alone, so it's probably a good idea to, well, not post it.

And with that, I think that's the end of this one. Not sure when I'll post next, these days it's more for myself if anything as it's not really read at all! P.s. As molly requested on the last post, here's a link explaining what Pleurisy is, and the fun it entails Good old wiki.


Ruth Jay said...

I always check dashboard :) and I have the exact same feelings about the cf community, and think its probably because I won't start talking first as well...who knows xx

Gemma said...

I'm a CF mummy and I have you on my blogroll so I'm instantly here when I actually get on blogger.

I actually love your blog but I wont go on and on about you keeping it up (I hope you do though).

I miss Bree's blogs hugely too, damn that girl could write!

Great you've gone so long without IVs and ooh Spain, room for a few people?
Take care xx

Gem said...

I love your blogs!

I've been absolutely crap at texting you recently- I'm so sorry! I WILL be better at texting you!

Bree's blog always had me laughing.

Woo for 2 months between IVs. Cold weather has so much to answer for! Oh and yep, I've decided to hide in the plane boot (wtf do call it anyway? The place where they shove all the luggage?!?!) and come along too. :D



Anonymous said...

I love your blog also. They're always quite an interesting read and I adore your wit.
Glad you've evaded the IVs and feeling better.
Good luck with your remaining studies and Spain sounds wonderful!
Please continue your blogging!! I would feel as if I had lost a friend if you discontinued.


Tori said...

I still read!! I admit I've gotten pretty rubbish at reading everyone's blog but I am trying to get better at it! You should post that black sheep blog I think it would be interesting!!

You can chat to me whenever you want but I'm a bit manic depressive of late!!

I miss Lauren's Blog. I never read Bree's for some reason but sounds like I missed out!!

V x

Anonymous said...

Don't go......!


mogzi said...

I always read your blogs too! People rarely read mine lol but it's good to sit and write to myself when I get time! Glad your keeping well, my lf seems to hover in the 60's too think 67 was the last! I never chat with cf people either, worry they won't want to chat but I'm always up for a chat of you are! Xxx

Anonymous said...

I don't have CF but I live your blog too!
Don't go please!!!



Molly said...

I always check my dashboard and enjoy reading your blog :) Thanks for the pleurisy link.

Sorry to hear that you had so much trouble getting to your last clinic appt, but glad the results were good :)

Take care,

Kerry said...

I always read your blog hun. And I put mine on facebook because my story was in the newspapers etc, then people started showing interest in hearing about my CF hence why I decided to go super public and try and raise awareness.
I admit sometimes I want to write privately and just have a good old moan but I've got to the point now where I just do it - if people don't want to read it and know that my life isn't always happy and full of positivity lol then they don't have to read!
But yeah, I always read your blog, I enjoy it because of your kick-butt attitude, I'm always happy to have a chat if you ever want to message me on fb or anything :)
Lots of love xxx

Anonymous said...

Hey! I only found your blog recently and have been workin my way from the first post to the most recent one; i don't have cf (but i do have kidney failure) and i do find your posts interesting.
Of course it's up to you if you keep up the blog!


Me said...

I still read it :o)

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