Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Looking back.

A couple of weeks ago, Gemma posted about finding an old diary and reading back through it. This gave me the idea to get up off my bum and fetch my old diaries. Been a while since I've read them, and they're just sitting in a desk drawer.

Random fact: the one I write in now is the multi-coloured spotty one

I have only one thing to say:

I talked a lot of crap when I was a kid.

Seriously. I started writing them when I was 13. Before that, I'd always meant to get round to it but never actually did. There's the odd notebook full of scribbles and drawings, and the occasional page where I'd write something down if I felt the need (I found a page folded up in a box of random things writing about how much of a bitch my year 8 form teacher was about my hearing. And I didn't even swear!)

I don't know when I started to write about CF stuff. The things in the first few dairies which take me to from about 13 - 16 bearly mention it at all, just things like having to go for a clinic appointment, not being happy with being on IVs cos they usually clashed with something I wanted to do, etc. The one I write in now has a seriously fair amount of CF stuff in. Everything from how shite I feel, how clinic went, worries and stuff about CF, basically everything and anything, but I talk about CF so casually and so much, which I sort of hate now, especially looking back at older diaries cos it means how much things have changed and how much it's impacted things from my thoughts to things I can physically do.

There's also random stuff which I love reading. Like things that happened at school/parties/in the summer, that there is no way I'd remember without them (my main reason for actually starting a dairy was b/c of my terrible memory. And it's really true b/c I can't even remember half the stuff happening. Sometimes vague memories come back though). Friends/boyfriends/exes get mentioned a chunk which is hilarious to read back to. And then you read the name of the guy you used to like and you think how delusional you were. All I can do is laugh really. Cos it's a load of babble from years ago.

Maybe it was one too many hits to the head from footballs.

"My head and footballs seem to have a really close relationship these days which I'm not really enjoying..." (Quote from a page written was I was about 15)

(Might go through them properly and find a few more quotes, cos seriously, I am NOT kidding how random and weird I was/am)

Friday, 10 June 2011

Winning streak.

Are you ready??

Here it is...

Wait for it...



Okay here it goes...

I've now officially passed first year of college and I'm into 2nd year for September!!!!

I wasn't really worried about it as you have to fail 2 projects and have really shit attendance to fail the entire year, and I've passed every project and actually turned up to lectures and stuff. I'm still happy though, no one can snatch away my moment of glory. I thought it was going to be a shit week when I knocked over several drinks on Monday and spilt my cereal all over myself on Tuesday morning, but alas, it's gone pretty amazing! I don't usually get a winning streak like this so I'm making the most of it :D I'm going out for a BBQ party at a friend's house for their 21st on Saturday, and I'll celebrate a bit more then. The extra cool thing is that I can drive myself there and back, rather than have to wait around for lifts. Soooo happy :D I won't be able to drink, obviously, but I think I get hyper enough on sugar and redbull so I'm sure there'll be some awful tagged in photos as a result the next morning anyway. Oh facebook, you're the bane of our lives sometimes...

Plus, I've just realised I'm steadily ticking off more things from my list, and my resolutions I set myself this year. It wasn't a big whole 'I'm going to do this, and that in 2011', it was more just doodles on a piece of paper setting myself a couple of goals. So I've recently managed to tick off getting a car, passing my driving test, getting through year 1 of my course, starting a sign language course, seeing people more and being more social rather than a hermit, and so far I've carried on with the 365 project which I'm pleased about! I'm still uploading the photos now and again onto flickr, and also facebook if you're one of those lucky fucks I abuse on there... ;)

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

For a bit of added happiness...



Let's all skip and jump and run into things like freaks out of being deliriously happy that I did it on my 2nd attempt, with a total of 3 minors :D It's a massive load off my mind b/c it means I can drive myself to/from college for my signing course starting on Monday (The same day which I have a hospital appointment, therefore have to leave slightly early so I can drive to the hospital, by myself, for the first time ever. Yes, I'm terrified of that! My main worry is the ticket machines...)

Aaaaaaand I'm off :)

Monday, 6 June 2011

Put it into perspective.

Finally finished IVs after 3 weeks today! And last night, in the bar, a bloke heard me cough and said 'Well that's a bad cold you've got!'. I just replied 'I wish'. IVs will never get rid of my cough the way they used to when I was a little kid. But they do make it better - the whole reason for going on IVs was b/c of the cold I'd had, and the number it did to my chest. I had THE most disgusting cough, felt like general shite and wasn't getting any sleep for it. Neither was anyone else in the house (and neither were any neighbours who leave their windows open on a night). I've finished them feeling way better than I was. On and off side effects all 3 weeks were a bit disconcerting, as they usually last the first few days and then leave, never to darken my (very painful to walk into) door frame again. But now they're done, and gone, and I'm finally free once again :)

I've been out a couple of times, whilst on IVs (typical) but had a laugh nevertheless. IVs don't stop me. They never have. Unless it was a pool party... Don't think I've got the risk of that happening in the UK to be honest! There was some really nice days of gorgeous weather. I went for walks every day it was nice. Short walks. IVs aren't a miracle worker on me! But a walk enough for me to consider it physio, as walking always helps. On the days I went on walks, I'd always walk down to the river, and then walk up behind the boathouse where there was a bench. Every day I sat on that bench, was a butterfly. It just sat and fluttered. I'm not sure it was the same one every time, but it looked the same. The same pattern, same colour. Same ballsy fearless attitude not to fly away when I went near it. Call me crazy, but I had a huge Bree vibe from it. I have no idea why. So maybe it was her just letting me know she's okay. Cos it's something I've been massively worried about.

My sign language course has been postponed for a week. Not sure why but I don't see why it matters as I'm still doing the course, just one week later. I'm positive it's just 3 weeks (although the thought that I could actually learn a new language in 3 weeks is almost laughable if you're aware of the state of my memory) I heard the teacher saying something about 5 weeks, so now I'm confused! I'm looking forward to it. I'm curious about the other people who'll be there. It's bound to be a mixed bag due to the nature of the course and the timing of it.

And then everything is put into perspective.

A girl who went to the same high school as me died two weeks ago; she was killed when a tree crushed her car as she was driving along a narrow road during the strong winds (about 80mph) there was that day. She was 18. I didn't know her personally - she was two years younger than me, and was in year 11 when I was in upper 6th. But I probably walked past her, saw her around without realising. You see everyone in that school at some point, you just don't know their names. Her funeral was on Friday, and the Abbey in Hexham was packed with people who knew and loved her. From what I've heard, she really lived her life to the full. But regardless of knowing her or not, the accident has hit me quite hard. It's made me realise the fragility of life, and how easily it can be lost. Having CF, being surrounded by hospitals, and knowing other people with lung diseases, some who sadly pass away, you do get slightly used to death, as bad as it sounds. But a lot of the time (albeit not always) you have a warning. Having CF (or any life threatening illness) is a warning in itself. Sometimes they're slipping away, and you know, even if you try and deny it, that they're not going to be here forever. So an accident like this, has shook me to my core. I've always considered you'd have a warning, especially when it comes to CF. But sometimes you don't. And it makes me realise that I spend too much time doing nothing, when I could be doing something. I don't mean, trying to save the world every day. That would take more energy than I've got! I just mean, spending more time with the people you love, and making sure they know it. Making memories, so, god forbid anything happens to anyone, you know that you have something to remember with a smile.

Emma will always be remembered. And I'm just scared that one day, I won't be.

By the by, I don't mean to get all depressive on you all. These are just thoughts and stuff that's been on my brain, and I just needed to write them down :)

Long year? Long post

This year has been weird. I haven't done anything. Haven't achieved anything. Some time at the beginning of the year these days, I w...