Monday, 25 April 2011

3am rambles.

Okay soooo bit of a pre-warning thing. It's probably a bad idea for me to be blogging due to a, the mood/mindset I’m in right now and b, the time, cos I just tend to stop making sense after a certain amount of time even if I don’t feel tired (it’s currently 3am). I’m really pissed off and need to write this down and get it out. I’ll probably piss myself off more by sounding like a prick and end up deleting this entry or something but I don’t even care right now.

At the moment I’m just angry cos I feel like I’m the one that no one bothers with. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who are absolutely amazing and the best friends I could ask for but silly things like distance and cross infection get in the way (tbh mostly distance if I’m honest. I know cross infection does exist but it hasn’t stopped me from meeting people and having a laugh – you just have to have common sense about certain things). Hmm, tangent much? Yeah anyway, the people who do live near me, in all honesty don’t seem to… fucking bother with me, for lack of another way to put it. I know people meet up, and I just tend to not be told. It’s not everyone – some just don’t do much so it’s the odd night out at the pub which is basically the only time I see people. Fairly depressing. I don’t live right under their nose in Hexham like most people do, so I guess I’m easily forgotten.

But what really riles at me is that no one bothers just texting or something. Whilst I was in hospital I was going out of my skull bored, but I wasn’t running around demanding attention. My friends knew I was in hospital and didn’t even text me once, none of them. And that fucking hurt. When people found out that I’d lost a friend when Lauren died, they didn’t know her but obviously someone dying isn’t the easiest thing to go through. A couple of people said we should meet up, just to talk, or for a distraction. Except no one bothered past that. The one thing I could have used and no one cared enough... for fuck sake there’s friends who’ve had more attention getting over a 2 month relationship. I’m not saying I wanted attention. That’s pathetic. I just could have actually used someone to talk to properly, y’know?

I’m actually getting so tired of people having half made plans to meet up, or saying we’ll sort something out cos that never gets followed through with. I find it hilarious that someone had a go at me saying that I seemed to be acting like they didn’t exist after they’d moved away to go to uni and that wasn’t true – they’d message me or text me first when I was going to, and when I did talk first, they’d not reply for ages, if ever. Pot. Kettle. Black.

So many people just rant at me and go on and I’m happy to listen (ironically…). There was someone not long ago who was listing every issue in his life and they were so trivial. I didn’t say that to him obviously but I was pointing out things for example, when he said he hated college, I said it’s not forever. But he didn’t listen. It just pissed me off cos so many people have bigger problems. When you help someone through something they always say I’m here if you need me too, and funnily enough, everyone’s pissed off when you do need them which is an unbelievable kick in the teeth and means I’ve been pretending to cope, when in fact I’m an ultimate wreck, keeping everything to myself cos I've got no one to properly let off steam to, just once. Some days are fine and other times I just get pissed at eeeeeeverything, even things that don’t matter, but b/c everything’s piled up I can’t even seem to identify what matters and what doesn’t.

I hardly offer much do I.. I can't hear for shit, can't keep up like a normal 19 year old and I'm constantly coughing all the damn time. But there was me thinking that people are meant to look past those things? Unfortunately the people who do, I don't get to see much, for so many reasons that aren't anybody's fault.

Okay so yeah I do actually sound like a complete dick, and a self absorbed prick at the moment, but I don’t care and I’m just tired of so much right now.


Anonymous said...

Perhaps a psychologist would be helpful to vent all this to. Sometimes you find a good friend that tries to understand, but most people are just that, people. We are all innately selfish. Hope things gets better for you soon.

Katherine Anne said...

aww .. i dont think your selfish or a self absorbed prick! lol .. i actually feel the same exact way all the time. i feel like people dont even bother with me anymore because im so sick all the time. i basically have no friends left, everyone is always so concerned about their own lives, and their own petty problems.. when really, they have NO IDEA how it is to live with real life problems, and they have no idea how lucky they have it. i totally feel for you babe. fuck people, they suck! lol.. i hope you are feeling a little better, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. <3

Anonymous said...

"They have NO IDEA how it is to live with real life problems, and they have no idea how lucky they have it."
Just because you have CF, you can't assume the stranger next to you (or even someone you've known your entire life) has it easy or that their problems are "petty." they may be suffering quietly in ways you couldn't possibly imagine.

Tori said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sophie-Anne said...

Well that makes 2 of us that are pricks then, as i agree with pretty much all of that post. Mainly the hosp part, a simple text dont hurt does it? Xx

Anonymous said...

It's really hard to find a truly good friend who is there for you and listens to your concerns or life's travels. As someone already said about being innately selfish and self indulgent, it's more like, "What have you done for me lately?"

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and wishing better days for you. Wish I could be there to listen and comfort you but since that isn't possible, go ahead and vent all you want. We'll be here.


Kerry said...

Hiya hun, totally agree with everything you've said, I feel like I'm always here when people have problems but when it's me nobody bothers, even my 'closest' friend doesn't care. When I'm in hospital people say, oh yeah I'll come visit, then never do. I now realise that my family and Josh are the only one's that matter, they will always stick by me and offer support. It's important to have friends and a social life, but if it's making you feel down just let them go. I know everyone probably says it but you can always message me if you have any problems, I promise I'm always happy to hear and help out! Keep your chin up my love, you're better than them xxx

Gem said...

Right that's it. Me + you + summer = much needed fun and giggles for both of us! I agree with pretty much 100% of all that. It's odd to think that actually one of my best friends is someone 100's of miles away and someone I've never met in person but possibly know's more about me than some school friends or people I've grown up with do. It pisses me off a treat when I'm in hospital and no one so much as texts me. They think that because I'm in so often that I must be used to it and it gets them off the hook. BAH! Muppets!

You know that I'm ALWAYS here if you need a chat or anything at all.

Loveyou Megs!!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

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