Friday, 29 October 2010

Maybe I should invest in bubblewrap...

I had IVs in August to make sure that I was well enough for starting my new college course in Sept. Although logic in starting these IVs mid august when they only last for 2 weeks, is fucked, cause college doesn't start till 21st sept, and we all know how fast things go to shit the second you finish IVs.

I got a cold mid-IVs. Tres unimpressed. But by some miracle the cold disappeared a few days before IVs finished and I thought 'YES! Still a few days for IVs to potentially work'. Basically, the second I finished these IVs, the cold came back, and IVs were thus rendered useless. I was coughing worse than before and felt horrible. Literally had no energy or breath and when I have a cold, or feel crap in general, every single task seems 10x bigger than it actually is. So I started college feeling like shit and with all the work they threw at us I just felt like I wasn't coping. I kept saying 'I don't have time to be ill' and I was just generally frustrated at my lungs deciding to be little shits to me. We had my hosp appt moved forward a week, and I was straight back on IVs, for 3 weeks. So I spent 3 of my first 4 weeks at college trying to make sure that you couldn't see my port. Or rather, the tagaderm covering the gripper needle. Although unless I'm about to adopt some nun style up-to-the-neck get up, you're gonna be able to see it.

So I spent 3 weeks fully aware that people were generally looking south of my face, and not for the typical reason you'd expect blokes to be. I finally finished my 3 weeks of IVs and then a week later had a clinic appt. My weight and LF were identical to the previous results, which were taken just before I started IVs and felt like hell. Weird, considering now I felt better. Not 100%, but definitely way better than I would have been feeling sans IVs at this point if I'd never had them in the first place.

It was a fairly annoying appt where everyone stated the obvious. After 1 1/2 years with pleurisy I got an upgraded offer from paracetamol to codeine, but I refused it. I also refused to schedule my next IVs just yet, as the plan was to wait till my next appt in four weeks and see how I was doing then. I was fairly adamant to stay off IVs as long as possible as they just annoy me now, and they just don't work as much as they used to. If anything, they just stop me getting worse rather than get me any better.

So yeah, now I'm 1 1/2 weeks out of IVs.

Guess what:


Gahhh, I might just start kicking small children that get in my eye line just to satisfy how pissed off I am about this. Add it to being on top of concussion *sigh*... break please?

Ah yeah, the concussion.

I apparently whacked my head on Tuesday (or thereabouts). Tues evening I had a headache and noticed a bump on the side of my head, with what must be a bugger of a bruise as I could barely even go near it.

The only weird thing is, I can't remember hitting my head. At all. I bump into stuff plenty but I think I'd remember this one. Plus, add this to the fact that I rarely ever bruise so for this to hurt this much, it must have been a proper whack.

By Weds I still had a headache, and had to go on two visits with college to the digitalab and the biscuit factory. Visits that were important as you had to write a 500 word report on each. I felt fairly spaced and wasn't really taking much in all day. My headache was getting progressively worse and I was starting to forget stuff - I had to go and pick up some negatives from Jessops, and I couldn't remember the words 'it's just negatives' when the woman asked me what size my prints were.

I managed to get home in one piece, just remembering my stop at the last minute as I took the bus. My headache was now trying to form it's own persona that probably had the power to bring down cities with pure mind power by now. And I started to get a temp and talk like a spaz. I generally talk too fast and trip over my words so people weren't noticing when I had to stop and think of what I was trying to say. I tried para two times to shift the temp and it never worked and never even expected it to touch this soul destroying headache. I managed to sleep off the temp and my headache was halved by Thurs so that was improvement, but it was still on/off all day. Added fun trippy dizzy moments continued till Thurs too. 3 day headache and I was ready to break out the mallet. I never bother with para for headaches, Ibu doesn't work and weirdly neither does codeine. So I just suffered rather than become a drug dispenser. Mad, maybe. But I don't like being high as a kite but still in pain.

Pretty sure my temp was from the cold which jumped onto centre stage on Thurs. And all the joy that comes with a cold. I woke up so many times throughout the night from my sore throat which has swollen up and is now restricting my breathing, so I realllllly hope it pisses off soon, cos every time I (pathetically) cough, it hurts, loads. My headache has almost gone so that's a plus.

At least I'm as caught up with my college work as I can be. Four 500 word reports written with concussion... maybe I should spell check.

Monday, 25 October 2010

You can't please everybody...

But pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. Truer words never spoken.

At clinic, as usual, I got one of those piss-annoying 'anxiety and depression' scale things where you circle the chosen answer to each question and then they add up the result from each answer (from 0 - 3) and decide if you're depressed, or something. Probably a way of seeing if the patients need to maybe talk to someone about stuff, or something along those lines. Anyhoo, these scales annoy me and my answers are always the same b/c I'm not depressed. So this time, I just didn't bother filling in the form they left with me (in the treatment room, joy, b/c all other clinic rooms were full) and I just shredded it. Irony really, cos that could point towards being pissed off and stressed. Which I am.

And I've renamed my dietitian 'captain obvious' b/c all they ever do is point out I need to gain weight. I'm annoyed at myself b/c I'd managed to get to 46kg for the first time ever, then lost it over the summer and went back to 44 kg, grrrr. I find it impossible to gain weight. I don't even know how I managed to get to 46kg b/c I'd been stuck at 43/44 for ages before that.

And now I get to sleep for a week. Sort of. I've still got to go to the digitalab on Weds and then try and find the biscuit factory (which isn't actually a biscuit factory but an art gallery, let down of the century or what) and write a report on the exhibition they have there.

I knew I'd be surgically attached to the darkroom and photoshop during this course. But I forgot to think through how many reports and essays were involved, so it looks like Word is my new Siamese twin.

Monday, 18 October 2010

Not-so-nice comments.


Someone just had a go at me for my attitude and choice of language.

Funny thing is, this was taken through the hardcore route of the keyboard. I'd like to see them say that to my face.

It was a blog comment through that 'wellsphere' thing. I signed up ages ago and forgot about it. Basically, it publishes my blog entries on there as well as blogger. And this morning, it said I had a comment, which never happens, so I decided to check it out. It said this:

When I first saw your pic I thought you were a cute girl, right until I saw you prefer language suitable for the gutter.  May be your problems stem from an attitude that needs adjusting.  I personally don't feel compelled to offer advice to someone so immature and out of touch with the real world.  I wish you luck in the future.

Ooooh scornful(!)

It was on this blog post. I don't care what people think of my 'attitude' or the fact that I swear. I'm gonna swear if I want to and if you don't like it, I'm not forcing you to read my blog. So I'm pretty sure you know where the door is. Or the little cross in the corner.

Comments like these never bother me b/c I have the sense to be able to ignore it and realise that it's been written by some sad person who pretends they're hardcore, but in reality, they're hiding behind a computer screen. I really don't care on people's opinions on swearing. Besides, this is My blog to talk however  I want. If I wanted to type in french I would. Although personally, I do have limits. As in, I try to avoid swearing around old people or kids. (that one involves a funny story where me and my cousin were talking, and saying how something was shit. Then her 9 yr old sister stood up - she'd been lying on the floor and we couldn't see her over the bed - and walked out. Luckily she wasn't listening to what we were saying. But the second she stood up, and we noticed, we went 'oh fuck. CRAP!')

Anyway, this comment. I don't know what 'problems' they're on about. B/c that post was about coughing/needing IVs etc. So... do I have CF b/c I swear and I have an attitude? That'd be a new one.... Besides I've always thought how you need an attitude to live through all this shit. And am I really 'out of touch with the real world' and 'immature'? To be honest, I don't give a fuck. Maybe I am living in my own reality. But I'm surviving here just fine.

So do one.

Saturday, 16 October 2010


Ok, ok, I know, I'm such a hypocrite. I've said so many times that I hate macs, mainly back when I was on the Saturday course at college, b/c they were new to me and I didn't know how half the stuff worked. Although I think half my annoyance was that there was a 15 minute limit on facebook and other sites like that. There's only so much enjoyment you can have out of photoshopping the death out of a few photos.


I have a mac book pro :D There's literally no space left in my room now.

I got it through disabled students allowance, so I got a bunch of lovely stuff which is meant to make my course easier, like the mac, a printer, the programmes I need (microsoft office stuff, adobe stuff -photoshop, reader, bridge etc- and lightroom) and shiz like that. Total and ultimate lining in feeling like crap all the time. This along with note takers (which I'm really greaful for but they're fucking dropping the ball big time by not turning up a lot) and taxis which I'm only paying the equivalent of public transport on, is definitley helping. I mean, it hasn't solved everything. Like me managing to develop my film wrong (apparently, although I'm sure it was just loaded wrong) resulting in a blank film and me needing to reshoot my entire project. Yeah there's no magical fix or cutting corners for that, so I still have to do as much as the average student.

Yeah it's tiring, it's exhausting, and I've only spoken to a couple of people. But I'm getting there. Sometimes I think way too seriously about just walking out and not looking back. And then I get to know another student and have a laugh on a photoshoot, and the world seems less pissy.

We'll see how it goes. In two years from now I really really hope I'll be looking at a shit photo of me holding my degree in one of those sad hats. Cos it'll mean that I did it.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Cause a brighter star is on the way.

-Apparently my course is going on a trip to the biscuit factory
-My heart actually sank a little when I found out that it's an art gallery type of place that used to be a biscuit factory
-They really should change the name. I keep picturing people walking in, looking all excited, and then being totally let down when there isn't a biscuit in sight.

-One week into IVs, and Colo finally hit me.
-I was getting a tad suspicious when I wasn't walking into stuff or feeling like I'd been to the dentist cos of a numb face. But ah, it hit me on Saturday when I went out for a drink with some friends.

      -The most amazing thing (in my opinion) happened in Spoons though - When I bought a drink (Pimms, YUM!) I didn't get ID'd. First time that has ever happened.
      -And probably the last if we're honest...
      -I just keep wondering if he's a really slacking barman or if he saw me get served earlier by someone else, who did card me. 
      -In fact she took the piss on carding me and checked to see if my licence was genuine.

      -My hands feel horribly numb (Thanks colistin)
      -I've discovered that I write like a 2 yr old whilst on IVs due to hand-numbness not letting me properly hold a pen
      -So thank fuck for note takers
      -I would have noticed this earlier only I bearly picked up a pen to write anything for the last year and a half

      -I'm driving tomorrow, and I still love it as long as I don't make mistakes (cos then you panic and more mistakes follow)
      -Cos of my amazing talent to make it rain wherever I drive, I decided to do that 'walkers rainy day' thingy-ma-bob
      -(Y'know, where you choose a place in the UK, a date and morning, afternoon or evening, and if it rains on your chosen grid, date and time, you win a tenner)
      -I'm pretty sure I'll be cashing in. I chose Hexham on the map as I usually drive through there, and it's rained literally all (bar maybe one or two) lessons I've had.

      -And will someone PLEASE stop this goddamned cough!!

      -Also, Gem needs mendy-ness *Throws mendy-ness at her* Feel free to jump on the train soon stopping at 'finally feeling the fuck better' cos I'm hoping to be a passenger soon too :)

                I quite like making posts in bullet points. Stops me having to actually think and join each sentence together, so I can just randomly mention something and move on. My brains so tied up in college I can't even pretend to have the ability to string proper sentences together anyway.

                Plus, I like lists, cos they help me feel more organised. Something college is totally not letting me do due to the fact that we currently have 4 or 5 projects on the go at once. Yes, I would gladly throw my shoe at the tutor when they open up a powerpoint of yet another project. 

                ((Yes this was random, and yes I don't really give a fuck.))

                Friday, 1 October 2010

                The IV train never ends.

                And I'm back on IVs again.

                Annoyed is one word for it. 3 weeks out of my old IVs and boom, I'm back on the fuckers. I suppose I should shut up, I know people who are on them for a lot longer with even less time in between. But it's just such crap timing. If there was ever a time to not decide to get ill, constantly feel like death and need IVs again (for 3 weeks this time, something I rarely do as 2 weeks can usually last me)  it's during the first couple of weeks of starting a brand new course at college. The stress and exhaustion of the course is enough. But I hate feeling knackered at college. I point blank refuse to walk up the stairs. And if I've needed to be on the second floor I've either gone at a completely ridiculous snail pace, or used the lift, which I'm allowed to do cos it's for shifting loads of stuff from floor to floor, and disabled students.

                Clinic on Monday was so annoying. I was ill and bitchy about it. My Doctor asked 'which are your favourite IVs?' when it came clear that IVs were my only port of call. Cos hell, even if cipro did work, it wasn't gonna pull me out of this hole I've landed myself in. I got annoyed straight away and said 'well it doesn't matter which IVs I like cos I'm gonna get the same ones anyway aren't I?' And I was right. It just bugs me how I've had Ceft for every single dose of IVs (and that's a minimum of 4 times a year) for the past 13 years, and I've had Colo for the last 2 years or something along those lines. (I had Tobra every time before that). It just bugs me how they say that the IVs work b/c their stupid microbiology tests show that I'm still sensitive to the drug, and yet I repeatedly say that they don't have the right to say what does or doesn't work b/c they're not the ones going through 2 or 3 weeks of antibiotics and finishing the course feeling just as shit as you did when you started. Fuck the tests. I consider the meds work when I FEEL better myself.

                It's the cipro thing here mainly that no one seems to get - just b/c the tests say that I'm still sensitive, I don't think that actually proves it still works. For the last year, every time I was on it, it did nothing, and then the last time I was on it, I felt terrible until I finished the course. My Dr has agreed that I'm refusing cipro 'for now' but I don't think he actually agrees on my reasoning.

                The dietitian pissed me off a treat too. I worked really really hard for the past year or so and got my weight up to 46-odd kg, for the first time ever. And then I bloody lost it and I'm back at 44kg which I was pretty much stuck at for ages before. (I sort of bounced between 42 and 44kg). So yeah, the dietitian said 'So why do you think you've lost the weight?' Uhhh cos I'm ill? They don't seem to grasp the fact that when you're ill, your appetite buggers off, and then you loose weight (which in turn gives the infection a boost, so it's a pretty evil cycle). It also reminds me of the time when my Dr pointed out that I'd lost about 0.4kg one morning at clinic... a clinic where I was having a glucose test.

                Yeah, so this glucose test means you're not allowed to eat after a certain time the night before and you have to fast all bloody night and morning so they can steal some blood, give you a gross sugary drink and steal more blood. My point is cos you have to fast for 12 hours or something like that, I hadn't eaten since 9pm the night before. So obviously I was gonna loose a bit of weight. As small and pointless as the amount was. But the Dr pointed it out. Clearly captain obvious was in the room. Admiral common sense hadn't joined him though...

                Basically I'm annoyed about the medical staff which I see way too often. And also, if I get a cold during these IVs, I'll actually single handedly kill the person who gives me it.

                Long year? Long post

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