Showing posts from September, 2010

I miss it...

I seem to be making this whole mental list on how life would be way easier if I could hear. It's stupid, I wish I could stop doing this to myself. Thinking about how things would just be simpler to cope with if I could take out that extra factor that hinders so much from what I try to do.

I'm not saying life would be perfect. But not being able to understand what people say, even if they're directly in front of me, which in turn makes me shy as hell around people and feeling useless cos I can't really have a proper conversation, so many of my friends I've lost touch with cos they're busy and have gone off to uni, so they'll keep in touch with the odd phone call, which I. can't. fucking. do. I swear, if you tell me talking on the phone is overrated, I will be determined to smack you silly b/c you know what? It's basically like saying to a paralysed person 'hey, don't worry about not being able to walk, it's pretty shit anyway'. You…

It's gonna be a long two years.

So, first day... scaryscary, yeah?

Ok, yeah it was. First day involved a fuck load of walking around and tours around campus (yeah I know I've already been here but I've not been around the entire place so we kinda had to go). I didn't really speak to anyone, I'm too shy to, and exhausted, and I can't hear what people are saying and they mumble, and it takes more energy than I had today to really listen to people so I sort of just kept with that one person who I already know. Minimal energy me means sticking in the comfort zone rather than talking to people and getting to know the others on my course.

And you know what? I'm so tired after my first day, that I've just been thinking constantly 'I can't do this'. One day, and I'm knackered. This is a 4 day a week course for two years. How the fuck can I do that?

We've already been given the outlines of two projects to start, which have to be done and finished by the end of Oct. DSA are tak…

Rant time...

Been feeling very *blah* lately. No idea why. I think it's still the impending college thing. Please stop fucking telling me I'll be fine b/c it's either gonna go really good, or really shit, and I can't help but think, however it's gonna go, I'm gonna have all this extra stress generated by that woman who was on my previous course but who is on this one too. Once a week for a year was enough. So a sense of dread creeps up when I think of 4 days a week for two years. Deep joy...

There's nothing to get ready for college really. I'm thinking of not even taking my camera in for the first day - I was told that the first year is mostly film, and I really hate the darkroom part of that, so thats another sense of utter crap-ness that adds to the fun.

I just seem to be finding stuff that pisses me off lately, not a lot seems fantastic. My last IVs were basically a write off when I got a cold during them, thought it left early by some miracle, only for it to ret…

Liar liar.

All over facebook, people seem to be having a mini implosion over the fact that a CFer called Karalynn Davies, who apparently passed away not too long ago, was actually a fake. Now I'm hardly someone who's following this perfectly. To be honest, I can't follow a lot of it as it just gets more and more confusing with other people being involved and things that have happened with no explanation, but this is really starting to get stupid. It's not the first time I've come across someone who's faked to have CF. In fact there's been loads, mostly over Facebook as its a simple way to fake - all people really need is some woe-is-me, I-feel-crap statuses and if they want to 'prove' they're really stuck in club med, they'll add photos which could have actually been ripped off from god knows where.

Kinda reminds me all about the whole Gina/Pepe/Blake shit that went down two years ago. CF (and cancer, so I've heard) seems to be a magnet for people…


The countdown begins.

I start my college course on 21st Sept.

Bricking it? Me?


I know why I’m freaking about it though, and there’s nothing I can change about that. It’s not the place, or the staff, or the photography processes that you have to do (although I hate the darkroom as I’m useless – I can’t understand a word anyone says to me as I can’t see their face and lights are banned in there). What I’m all antsy about is the meeting new people thing as I tank badly at this. The hearing thing digs its heels in here and I have no idea what people are saying to me. So I come off a bit thick, cos I’m agreeing to god knows what, or I seem rude b/c they think I’m ignoring them.

Sucks, but what can you do?

I get Mondays off though. The first two Mondays off I’ve got are already booked up with appointment-fun-ness. The first one is on the 27th, I’ve got the joy of going to the dentist b/c who doesn’t like being asked questions from upside down that you can’t even answer b/c s…


Bear in mind, I have over 6000 photos since I got my camera last year, and these are only randoms that I've taken recently. And the crappy ones of me are off my webcam about 5 mins ago whilst waiting for IVs to finish. Fuuuun. Oh, and I mentioned the Spoon Theory in my last blog. Here's the link if you want to read more. It's definitely worth the read xx