Showing posts from August, 2010

The truth.

Lung disease is a harsh bastard.

I wish it would make up it's mind. Sometimes I feel really good, like I'm not even ill at all, and I feel so far away from friends with CF or whatever who seem to struggle on a daily basis. Then I have those days when I lack the energy to even get out my own room, and it feels impossible that it's just a 'blip' and you'll get better b/c each and every task is so taxing. It's all very 'spoon theory', when some days you have more spoons than others.

I can't help but think that people see me as a hypochondriac. Especially if they only generally see me on good days, or hiding the bad days. Then if you get a really bad day that you just can't hide, no one seems to fucking believe you feel like shit, that every breath feels like you're being stabbed in the side and you don't have the energy to even sit up properly. The main reason I reckon people see me this way, is the whole pain thing. It's not someth…

Live fast, die young.

I was talking to a friend about this. I said it scares me, the whole possibility that you could die young, before you've even done something. I think that's my biggest fear - to have basically every trace of your life disappear and drift away b/c you did nothing worth remembering. He said not to spend your life wishing for something, hoping for the perfect life, b/c you might actually already have it. Or at least the makings of it.

It made me realise something though. That I shouldn't spend my life, however teenagery I may act sometimes, obsessing over the pointless things, hoping for things that you know might well never happen. Besides, if you stop hoping for the seemingly impossible, maybe one day it will happen and it'll take you by surprise. Rather than hoping for something for so long, b/c you never know if the real thing won't actually meet your true expectations.

Obviously I'm not gonna elaborate. I like to keep you guessing. And besides, it's not o…

Bruise like a peach.

What the hell?! I don't usually bruise. And I quite like it that way b/c of my general clumsy ness. It means I'm free to trip/fall/walk into things as much as I please. I don't want to have to start looking where I'm going.

Oh, I've been thinking about a second tattoo. Well, thinking, is more, yes I'm definitely gonna get one. I know where I want it (on the back of my shoulder, vertical in Chinese) but I'm not sure what I want it to say exactly. I was thinking of a cool quote but nothing stupidly long. Whilst I love tattoos I'd never get a huge one over my entire back or shoulder or something. As I haven't exactly completely thought through what I want, it's on hold. Hopefully I'll get it this year, there's still a fair few months left, but I can't get it until I think of something, and I don't want to get it whilst I'm on IVs, which I start on the 20th.

The 23rd is my needs assessment for DSA so I should be feeling and looki…

Happy birthdayyyyyyyyyy

To me !!!! YAY!

Ok, so I don't feel any different. I wasn't expecting some huge magic *boom* or something when the clock hit midnight (not that it happens, but that would be cool). I've not been too fussed on turning 19. I still pass for 14 a lot which tends to take the piss. And I can't count how many times I've been ID'd this year and had them stare constantly at my license checking to see if it's fake. But I'm used to it and it's not fake so it's all good.

This year should be awesome though. Full time college, continuing to learn to drive, forming even more of an attachment to my camera (if that's even possible...) Yeah it'll be a good one.