Friday, 24 September 2010

I miss it...

I seem to be making this whole mental list on how life would be way easier if I could hear. It's stupid, I wish I could stop doing this to myself. Thinking about how things would just be simpler to cope with if I could take out that extra factor that hinders so much from what I try to do.

I'm not saying life would be perfect. But not being able to understand what people say, even if they're directly in front of me, which in turn makes me shy as hell around people and feeling useless cos I can't really have a proper conversation, so many of my friends I've lost touch with cos they're busy and have gone off to uni, so they'll keep in touch with the odd phone call, which I. can't. fucking. do. I swear, if you tell me talking on the phone is overrated, I will be determined to smack you silly b/c you know what? It's basically like saying to a paralysed person 'hey, don't worry about not being able to walk, it's pretty shit anyway'. You'd still miss it, wouldn't you. You'd like to have the option to, right?

Ok so yeah, I sort of hate college at the moment. I'll get used to it, I'm sure. But for now I'm feeling really small and shy. The only problems I'd have, if my hearing would some how fix it's good-for-nothing self, would be exhaustion from shit-timing CF and trying to keep up with the warped idea of managing to start, and complete two projects within two weeks. Call it induction week all you like. I call it 'seeing how far we can push the students to see if they'll last'.

I'm feeling absolutely rubbish on the CF side of things. Coughing basically 24/7, and I can't stop. I got a cold during my IVs and so they basically did nothing. I hate how you can get a cold in a matter of seconds and it ruins the whole load of work the IVs (and you) have done to stay well. I've had my hosp appt moved from the 4th Oct to next Monday, and we'll see what the dr says with my lovely combo of exhaustion, hemos, non-stop coughing (which sounds horrendous, apparently, I'm actually getting the whole concerned look off my family and they never do that cos they're so used to me coughing), chest pain and getting breathless doing simple stuff. I hate feeling like this and I rarely feel this crappy.

On the other hand, I know I'm not the worst off, and other people are feeling much worse then me so they need the get-well-ness hugs and thoughts.

4 comments:

Gem said...

We love you Megs! Induction week my arse. I've been made to walk up campus about 4 times. I arrive half an hour after everyone else. It's so exhausting, I really do understand that one. I'm not sure what else I can really say other than I'm thinking of you and sending you positive vibes and you will make it. I'm not the biggest fan of uni yet, but I'm told from everyone it's the getting used to it that's the hardest and you will grow to love it I know you will. You're doing what you love and what you're good at. Talking to people will come in time I'm sure. I know it's so hard. I'm struggling with that and I can hear them! Everyone is in the same boat as in they all are desperate to make friends. People are far more accepting than I thought and actually me coughing like a bitch helps break the ice a bit because they ome over and show concern. Ask them to speak more slowly if you need. You have to make this about you not them.

If they offer you cipro at clinic I'll come and bitch slap them/ ninja kick- whichever I feel like on the day. Sending you massive mendy vibes, positive... er.. things (?) and massses of love and hugs!!

Love Me xxx

Tori said...

You need them too hun!! Hugs xx

Anonymous said...

Megs,

Take heart to what Gem says cause what she says is very true.

We love you and hope you fell better real soon.

Lots of hugs to you!!

Anonymous said...

...feel dammit; not "fell"...

Sorry! xxx

One of those things

Hemos. Nearly everyone with CF has probably been there at some point. Its just one of those 'things' that comes hand in hand with sh...