Saturday, 17 April 2010

Welcome to the land of 'Everything just fucking sucks'.


I just don't give much of a crap right now so I'm gonna rant and you can think what you like. I'm not always this pissed off, so at least remember that this is me after a really bad day or week, or whatever. Just so you know, telling me to calm down won't. help. anything.

I've come to decide that everyone and everything just sucks and there may be no good in the damn world now, b/c you just get fucked around so much you start wondering if you'll get any good in your life. In fact, even if you did, it'll be so small and not-even-that-good, that you'd not notice and continue being a snappy little bitch.

"Everyone is entitled to a bizarrely upsetting day.
Everyone is entitled to have an outburst of ginormous proportions"

A friend told me this a while ago. I completely forgot about it until a few days ago. I have literally no idea how I remembered it word for word, as anyone who knows me knows that my memory is (to put it lightly) really shit. In fact, anyone who read the 'Stuff I've lost recently' blog would probably whole heartedly agree with me saying that.

Back to where I started though... I'm stressed. Everyone I know is either ill or getting ill or having a crap time and stressed out themselves and I feel like I don't have the right to get pissed or upset about stuff. I don't mind when people talk about their problems to me. In fact, despite the fact that they're going through a crappy situation, I like knowing that we're close enough that they can trust me with that stuff. It just feels like there's no time for me to loose it, so to speak, b/c I'm trying to help them and I just feel even worse when I can't help.

It's no one's fault, and I won't ever blame them, when they forget that you might be going through something too. I'd rather they did forget whilst they deal with their stuff.

When I'm going through something that I don't want to admit to, I'll ignore it and keep busy and we all know that helps no one. Actually, I think it makes it worse when you can't say what's bugging you. As perplexing as that sounds, I do get bugged a lot by things I just can't explain. Which in turn just stresses me out more b/c I can't figure out what the fuck is even up with me.

All I know that college stuff - still no answers from UCAS, student finance and unhelpful people are all stressing me out. I'm starting to feel all crappy again lung-wise and that's starting to take the piss, along with my shoulders, back, ribs and lungs hurting all the time, and even worse if I breathe deeply or dare to even think about coughing. And then there's stuff that I can't and won't talk about b/c it involves other people and even if I don't leave many stones unturned in my own life I might as well leave them some privacy.

As difficult as I find it, if I did talk to someone about this, about everything, I'd probably not make sense, and it seems like I'm overreacting to the problem. And that's another reason why avoiding something that is up is a bad idea - The stress and pressure builds up until it seems so much bigger than it really is. And then, if you admit what's up and talk to someone, then it doesn't seem as big or problematic as you'd think.

And then you feel like a complete idiot for getting upset over something you've managed to blow out of proportion.

And just for added effect, if I don't just seem pissed off enough, I took a picture of my hearing test results from last Monday when I went to the ENT. I don't think 'pathetic' even quite covers it - my results are so crap they don't fit on their shitty little chart anymore. They had to put little arrows next to the markers to show that my hearing is below what the chart records.


[I look thrilled, obviously. I get so bored in these hearing tests b/c I can't hear the majority of the nosies, which means no button pressing for me. Walk in on me in that room in the middle of the test, you're most likely gonna find me bored out of my skull (even if it is just a couple of minutes long test) with my feet on the table and staring at the wall. I clearly do hearing tests with class.]

So yeah; I'm pissed off and I don't even care anymore.

*Feels all potentially collected good karma evaporate instantly*

Well, fuck.


Piper said...

you know what? i'd be pissed off too. i admire you for just putting it out there, and also for being willing to listen to other people's complaints even when you've got your own issues. i'm just glad you feel like you can at least put your frustration into words for us.

frankly, i'm frustrated too, so i know how you feel ;)

i hope student finance and your lungs fall into line and get their acts together soon!

Laura's medical journey said...

i have my off days too with all the medical things im going through

i think we are entitled! hehe x

Anonymous said...

"...And then, if you admit what's up and talk to someone, then it doesn't seem as big or problematic as you'd think."

Finding someone who will listen to you, not offload their problems on you and not judge sounds v important for you right now.


Gem said...

You are very much entitled to feel pissed off!!! I would! Student finance are sooo annoying! We've been trying to do mine for about 2 weeks now. Epic fail does not come close! Stupid thing! Drop me an e-mail if you need to offload! Massive hugs and I hope your lungs behave themselves really soon! Xxx

Kiz said...

*Snuggles* One thing to say: You look like a s**t hot DJ in those headphones ! Spin me some discs girl :-)

Gemma said...

God your post has made me pissed off, how can you still not have heard from UCAS?!! Argh!!!!
That hearing this is stupid, you'd think since they are testing people with poor hearing (I mean why would someone with good hearing have a test?!!) they'd have the bar go lower, just so that people like yourself are not made to feel like shit! xxxx

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