Saturday, 30 January 2010

Waiting for an answer.

I really hate UCAS.

I still don't have a reply from the college I applied to. I'm actually getting worried, as pretty much everyone is getting replies left, right and centre, and I'm sitting here waiting for something that just doesn't seem to want to happen.

I only applied to Newcastle, even though you can apply up to 5 different places. You might think I'm being an idiot this way, but its what I had to do - no other nearby Universities had a suitable course, or even a photography course at all (Yes, Durham, you stubborn little fuck). Going to uni further away would mean living in halls or near uni, and I swear I would royally fuck that up. I'd either mess up my health, or my uni work, or be murdered by someone who couldn't take my constant coughing (I've woken up friends at parties from coughing loads at night. Last time, it was Phil, and he looked really pissed off, given the fact it was about 6am). Plus, I like my clinic, and I know and like all the nurses and (most of) the Doctors. So I don't want to either move clinics or travel a stupid amount every 6 weeks.

I wrecked myself in the first year of 6th form, when I lost 20% of my usual lung function but continued to go to school every day. I don't think I actually took a day off, which, when I look back, makes me realise it was pretty damn stupid of me. I mean, I couldn't walk from each class without having to stop at least twice, and the 2 minute walk home from the bus stop started to take me 15 minutes. But I kept on, and refused to stop. I got IVs sooner than usual after my Dad phoned the Dr when he saw how crappy I was feeling, and started to get back to normal. Still, I've never forgotten how hopeless I felt, or the fact that I admitted to Steph that it felt like my lungs were actually giving up. She was the only person I told. In hindsight, I probably should have told the Dr.

My point is, if I'd chosen to apply to other universities, meaning I'd leave home and live at uni, that'd probably happen again, cause I'd have no one to tell me when to stop.

I didn't get a reply from UCAS last year until end of Feb. But that wasn't an offer, it was a decline. Hense the being scared. Cause if I don't get into college, I have no idea what I'm gonna do. When I think about the alternative, not getting into college on the course I orginally planned on, (Again... Grrr) I just feel lost and honestly can't think of what I'd do. Even though I'm not one for thinking of the future much (I'm more of a 'live in the moment' person) it seemed simpler to think of things in the theory that I'd get into college. After all, we were told that the course we're currently on, being an award, certificate then diploma, would get us onto the foundation degree course no problem. So it felt like a sure thing.

It might have something to do with the fact that I applied for photography. I know that art and photography courses take longer, as the applications are sent off later. Which means later replies. Although Steph said she'd gotten her reply in the post. I forgot to ask what she's doing at uni though. If it's not a further art course then that'd explain why her offer came sooner than mine.

UCAS ranting aside, not much to report. I was talking to my Mum earlier, and she wants to phone up my Dr and see if he agrees that she thinks I need some Cipro - I shouldn't be coughing this much, getting so out of breath, and all sorts of other things this soon after IVs have finished. She asked me if I agreed, and I said yeah, especially as all I wanted to do after I got home from college was sleep. I haven't been that worn out in a while, actually reduced to tears from plain exhaustion (and being pissed off, but thats another thing).

Whilst I agree with her, part of me wants to say no. Cipro just doesn't help. The only thing it's actually done the last few times I went on it is make me loose my appetite for two weeks. And whilst it does increase my LF, it goes back to my normal 70% ish when I finish. And I don't actually feel any different. The only way I know it's increased my lung function whilst on Cipro is cause at least twice, I've had appts which overlap being on cipro, and each time I've had LF results in the high 70's. I love seeing those numbers, even if they're cause of Cipro.

Hmm. We'll see how it goes.


Gemma said...

When I went to Uni I dind't move away either, I went to Sheffield and drove there everyday. It about a 50 minute drive. I had the same concerns as you and felt staying at home would be better.
I'm sure you will get onto the course, if you don't take a gap year, have some fun and make yourself some money for when you do go to uni the year after! xx

Gem said...

Hey! I'm off to uni this year too after a gap year but I'm going close to home so I can stay with my drs and also my mum can give me the support I need medically too. But last year I didn't hear from one uni until the end of feb and I convinced myself I had been rejected but got accepted- talk about leaving it to the last minute!! Don't worry I'm sure you'll get your place! Good luck!!! Xx

Lucie said...

I think its just luck of the draw to be honest Meg. I dont think it matters so much when you apply. I applied really late last year too, and I got all of my replies really early, yet I remember one of my friends Lauren getting her replies really late and she was one of the earliest applicants (with one of the best set of expected grades). Hang in there, and if your worried - im sure they wouldnt mind you giving them a call to see where theyre up too.

thinking of you x

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Hello, I am fairly new to your blog. I don't have CF, but I have had some peculiar breathing problems lately so I have visited a number of blogs that have to do with CF.
I sure hope the college course works out for you.
I wish you the best and my thoughts are with you.

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