Saturday, 10 January 2009

Bits and bats.

I'm sick of coughing, sick of getting weird looks from coughing myself half mad, and sick of people who don't understand CF. No, this isn't another jab at my mates. I think I'm really due some IVs soon, I'm coughing ridiculously.

I'm also sick of that damn rattle in my lungs. More specifically, the side of my right lung. If I put my hand there when there's a rattle, I can feel it. It practically does feel like a toy rattle. Its times like this when you think 'How much more ill can I get? How much more do I have to endure before I'm cast as pretty ill?'

I hate the fact that I sound like a complete and utter depressed kid. I'm not. I guess this is a pretty good place to say the things that are always in your head, without someone interrupting. I've just read about a CFer with FEV in the 100%s, and they're about 20/30 years old. WHAT? I'm only 17, and the best FEV I can get is 80%. On average its 60-70%. When its bad, it gets to 50%. I know that's not the end of the world but it still worries me. Its just like when I got my GCSE results. I know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but I was happy with my average results, I felt I'd done my best. Then I found out that so many people had gotten all A's or A*s on their results, almost effortlessly, and it just made my results seem so inferior. I hate comparing my life to someone's whose is better, yet its inevitable sometimes. Guess it's just something to work on. And to stop looking over people's shoulder's when they're writing their A Level and GCSE results on their college applications.

1 comment:

Piper said...

We all get sick of the weird comparison game, believe me. I compare my PFTs to other cystics, I compare my activity level to my non-CF friends, I compare how I feel one day with how I feel the next...it's a vicious cycle. So don't beat yourself up, because you're totally normal. And if your blog is any indication, you're definitely not the dullest "tool" in the box either ;)

Here's hoping you feel better and stop coughing soon!

One of those things

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