Sunday, 30 January 2011

I'm currently surviving on 5 hours sleep.

Possibly less.

And I have no idea how.

I went out to town for a friends birthday last night (friday) and basically about 7 hours straight on my feet in Newcastle. Didn't sit down, just danced away and my feet screamed at me b/c my boots hurt like hell after a while (but that's how you know it looks good ;) fuck it if you disagree, I live by that rule :D)

Not too many photos were taken. I know I take a million and one in general, but I've made it my mission to take as many as possible at all my friend's 20ths. Well, starting from last Friday anyway.

And for the record, it's no longer Twenty. It's Twenteen. B/c if we can still get ID'd everywhere and laugh at stupid and immature stuff and do silly quizzes in magazines with your best friends at 10 am when you're half asleep and laughing at each other's drunken cringes of the night before...

Then goddammit I still consider myself a teenager.

But yeah, ridiculous levels of fun was had, and I was so so so tired a few hours ago. Now I'm not. Well, I am a bit, but I'm way more wired than I was. I think it's a combination of the several teas I had throughout the day, and over tiredness I guess. I could easily ramble on to hell and back but it's not even making much sense to me so... ahaha.

Yeah.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

*Mendy thoughts on the way*

What are you supposed to do, when one of your really good friends, one of the most amazing people you'll ever know, are stuck in hospital, miles away, desperately ill, and the only thing you can do is send good thoughts and love and mendy vibes, hoping that everything will work out?

It does my head in.

Keeping your chin up, that fake smile that projects to the world the illusion that you're okay, when in fact, you're in pieces inside.

I don't know what to fucking do.

To say I hate this sort of situation is an understatement.

I've got nothing else to say but I still feel the need to ramble horrendously. It's what I do.

Lauren isn't doing so fantastic right now. She's been fairly ill on and off for ages now and all you want to do is just fix it so she can have her life back. But recently, she took a bad turn. Her weight has dropped, she's now on oxygen 24/7, and they've doped her up to the eyeballs with morphine. Lately she hasn't gotten worse but she hasn't gotten any better either. They're hoping to move her home soon. I don't know much. I'm too far away. It drives you insane to be on the constant lookout for even the slightest bit of info. But there's nothing else you can do.

Last time I sent a card to her, she was in hospital still, and I wrote the lyrics to a toy story song on one side of the card. And I've just got that song stuck in my head all. the. damn. time. That song is basically the only one that sort of makes me cry so it's like I'm looking for an excuse for why I'm crying, having that song stuck in my head, playing repeatedly, seems to explain it. Cos I don't cry. I never do. I've always thought that if I fell apart every time a friend got ill, I'd never be able to pick myself back up.

Guess I broke my own rules.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Inked... again.

I got another one :D


It says 'Hope', in chinese. They're so damn addictive. Not just the adrenaline you get, but the fact that you're controlling something that's happening to your body. Which, for a CFer, is a big thing. B/c I can't control what my lungs do, how I feel on a day to day basis, the riducluous state of my weight, no matter how hard I try, at least I can choose what a tattoo looks like, what it might say, where it can go. I've always wanted a tattoo on the back of my neck anyway and I fancied maybe a quote or another word I like the meaning to, and having it in chinese just looks cool. I don't want to end up looking like a walking dictionary anyway. I think I'm probably done for tattoos now, I don't want to end up covered, I just wanted a couple of small things that mean stuff to me.

Getting this one was different, for starters, I couldn't watch, obviously, as it was on the back of my neck. I loved watching my wrist one, I just found it fascinating for some reason. This one didn't hurt at all. I barely even felt it. Getting my port accessed hurts more, and that doesn't even hurt. I had no idea whether it would hurt or not as I've asked people and they'd either say it really wrecked over their spine or it barely hurt. Guess I was in the second group. The only thing was that I got tired from sitting in the same position without moving for 10 minutes, so my neck got tired. Other than that, nothing else really to comment on. Spookily, my best friend texted me in the middle of getting it, to ask if I'd gotten it yet. I'd told her a few days ago that we were gonna see if there was a space on Friday, and if there was, I'd get it done. I just find it weird, coincidental timing (especially given the fact that it only took 10 minutes, if that) that she texted me at that exact moment, mid-tattoo, when she had no idea if it was going ahead or not.

Clinic on Monday was uneventful and boring as always. My weight stuck at the every stubborn 43.3kg, and my lung function was actually good for a change, but with my cough being a bitch, I'm getting IVs. On 14th Feb. Definitley Tazocin, and either Colo or Ceft, I can't remember which. I brought up the fact that I'm worried starting a drug that I've never had before, then going home after only the first dose, cos there's no way to tell if you're gonna have a reaction or not. He said something along the lines of 'well lets hope you don't have a reaction then!'

That's my mind put at ease. Not.

Clinic was absolutely chocker too, so I was put in the treatment room rather than an actual room, as there was 3 clinics on at the same time, and no rooms left. I didn't even wait around to see the dietitian or the physio. I'm not sure if they were there but in honest I wasn't that fussed. I went on my own. Something I'm getting more used to and I'm gonna continue to do. It might be a bit boring, and hell, even depressive sometimes, but I've been trying to do as much CF stuff independently as I can, and going to clinic on my own is a main thing for me. Plus it means they talk to me rather than whoever I go with, and it forces them to speak clearly to me to compensate for my shitty hearing, rather than taking the easy route and talking around me. 

At least I get to claim Jan 2011 IV free. And the IVs finish right before a day trip to Birmingham for a sort of photography convention. The focus on imaging annual show which has basically over 200 different exhibitors featuring everything photography. I've looked at the floor plan, the place is HUGE. I'm gonna be sticking with my friends and not letting go, I'm so convinced I'll end up lost and then missing the train back home. I don't fancy being left in Birmingham on my own if I'm honest.

Oh and, I know I said I'd be uploading my 365 photos but in honesty, I can't be bothered. So I'm going to upload them to flickr instead, then post the link to that specific album on the sideboard thing. And if curiosity grabs you by the balls, you can go have a look :)

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Four words:

Giant french fancy cake.

Oh yeahhhh.


My mum bought me it b/c I passed my theory test (Yep, you read that right, I passed the bastard. I didn't tell a soul I had the test except from my parents as I needed a lift, cos I was convinced I'd jinx myself. But I passed. WHOO!!!!)

I passed it on the 4th (I think). I'm a bit sketchy with the date when it's the holidays. No longer the holidays now though I'm afraid, it's back to college as of today and oh yeah, hello two annoying projects briefs. Yup, I'm going insane. I do like it there but the fact still remains that I'm not like, best mates with anyone there. I have my friends who I'll sit/talk/piss about with but I still find myself on my own, and in groups I'll still stay quiet. As we progress through the year they all become closer and I just find it daunting how left out I feel, as childish as that sounds.

Barcelona was cancelled as not enough students put down their deposit, we were only 8 people off, which is a bit annoying. We're getting refunds though. The whole point of Barcelona was b/c it'll have exhibitions that we'd like and basically, the views would probably be amazing. And it coincides with a panorama project. You have to admit, a pano of a view across Barca would be fucking amazing to say the least.

As long as photoshop behaved.

Oh yeah, this is a CF blog really isn't it?

The lungulars have behaved on a level but I'm coughing like HELL again. Clinic on Monday will result in nothing except an attempt to suggest cipro and me throwing chairs at the dr's face for even considering it. So that'll be fun. In truth, it's not like they could do anything else. I'm so sick of IVs, I don't want them at least for this month, cos otherwise it'd mean I've continued the whole ridiculous having IVs every month thing I've had going since mid last year. To be honest I'd doubt they'd do much anyway. Although I am meant to be going on Tazocin for the next IVs. Still a bit sketchy on this considering my hosp don't keep you in past the first dose when trialling a new antibiotic as far as I know. It just screams danger in my head. I'm pretty worried but I know I'm worrying over nothing. I just need a new IV that will fucking work!!

The coughing a lot thing is getting on my nerves. I cough all night but this is getting stupid when it keeps you up for a few hours. I stayed at my friends house the other night and I woke myself up a couple of times. The entire family never says anything as they've known me since we were about 6 or 7, and they're all used to it, but I still feel guilty. And last week, I was running around with a friend, and I gave up after a few seconds, to basically die over everything b/c I was so exhausted. Running doesn't go well for me.

Right so yeah I think that's it. Not much has happened really. The project 365 is going well, I'm thinking of uploading the photos onto here every now and again in a bulk blog post cos I'm sure you're just dying to see what I've taken photos of... (Some photos are horrible quality b/c I didn't have my camera with me and had to settle for my phone, which just, really doesn't do things justice.) It's been a slow start as I've had pretty much nothing to take photos of, I'm looking around for ideas or themes I could use but it's quite difficult. I think it'll be best in the summer, when I've got a couple of months off college between year 1 ending and year 2 starting, where the weather is good and I just basically set off with my camera.

It'd be even cooler if I've passed my driving test by then. Nothing produces better photos than a random camera mish, and even better when it's unexplored territory.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Revolutionary.

I guess I do have new years resolutions. But not ridiculous stuff like 'new year, new me, new start' etc etc and sprouting shit like that. I don't believe you can change who you really are, deep down, so, if you were a bitch in 2010, you'll probably still be the same bitch in the coming years too, maybe just learning to bite your tongue a bit more...

So yeah my resolutions are things like possibly another tattoo, get through year 1 of the course/start year 2, get my weight up and keep it there.... I might stretch to attempting to pass that bloody driving test. Oh and to go to Nandos. Why I've never been is anyone's guess but I really want to go and I've never got around to it. So that's an important one.

Compared to 2010, this year will be chocker. For starters, for last year I spent the majority of the first 9 months sitting on my arse doing nothing. Yeah I had a job to start with, but it was shit and wearing me out so I quit. And yeah I did go to college and completed the course but it was just once a week. In the nicer weather I wandered round aimlessly taking photos just to occupy my time. When I started the foundation degree, I was busy, extremely busy, and once I got into the whack of things and started to enjoy myself, and hell, this shocked me a lot, maybe sometimes not even hating the earlier than dawn wake up calls, I started to wonder how the hell I coped doing nothing all day every day for 16 months - since I finished my final year in 6th form up until I started the course.

I'll admit after a month off I'm getting used to being able to sleep till whenever, but I do miss it. They gave us plenty of work over the holidays - two projects to be precise. But I finished them as soon as I could b/c I knew that if I left them I'd never get them done. So I spent about a week making sure it was all done and finished, I'm pretty sure I spent a solid 3 days working on the history of photography assignment which was HELL, but it's done now. All that's left is to print the last few bits off. I'm procrastinating on checking it all if I'm honest b/c I'm worried that I'll end up finding a bit more that we needed to do.

I'm a bit apprehensive about going back to college too though, if I'm honest. Possibly b/c we heard about the brief for the fuji film project, and it's not pretty. It's for the fuji film competition, and we enter on behalf of the college as well as it being a project. The brief is along the lines to take a photo depicting the senses. How do you see, feel, hear, etc. And that just drives me insaneeee! I HATE vague briefs. Plus it's film. Me and film aren't the best of friends, I prefer digital b/c of how it saves time and as you can see the result immediately. I'm an impatient person, I don't like standing around like a twat in the darkroom for 20 minutes, especially on my own. I can't go in with other people as I'd not have a clue what they're saying. People are cool with this but it still gets on my wick unbelievably.

I've also decided that I really need to see my friends more. I've seen them a couple of times in the last couple of weeks and every time, as it's been so long, you just realise how much you miss them and how much of a laugh you have. I really miss the 6th form days as you'd take for granted seeing your friends everyday, not realising that you've only got that for a certain amount of time before it's all away to uni on opposite sides of the country. At the moment, I only really see people at the pub, and it's noisy in there and hard for me to understand what people are saying. It's the simplistic things of just going over a friends house, drinking, whether it's tea, or whatevers the most alcoholic thing you can find in the cupboard, just talking shit and laughing till your sides hurt, which is what I really miss and really don't get to do very often any more.

I'm not expecting massive changes. I just want a good year.


Edit...

I've just remembered my plan of taking a picture every day project. All I can say is, FUCK, I forgot. It's only the 2nd Jan so I can catch up. Can't believe I forgot though...

Clumsy adventures

You'd think most of us with CF would have already had our fair share of hospitals, and would generally avoid the place like the plague o...