3am rambles.

Okay soooo bit of a pre-warning thing. It's probably a bad idea for me to be blogging due to a, the mood/mindset I’m in right now and b, the time, cos I just tend to stop making sense after a certain amount of time even if I don’t feel tired (it’s currently 3am). I’m really pissed off and need to write this down and get it out. I’ll probably piss myself off more by sounding like a prick and end up deleting this entry or something but I don’t even care right now.

At the moment I’m just angry cos I feel like I’m the one that no one bothers with. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who are absolutely amazing and the best friends I could ask for but silly things like distance and cross infection get in the way (tbh mostly distance if I’m honest. I know cross infection does exist but it hasn’t stopped me from meeting people and having a laugh – you just have to have common sense about certain things). Hmm, tangent much? Yeah anyway, the people who do live near me, in all honesty don’t seem to… fucking bother with me, for lack of another way to put it. I know people meet up, and I just tend to not be told. It’s not everyone – some just don’t do much so it’s the odd night out at the pub which is basically the only time I see people. Fairly depressing. I don’t live right under their nose in Hexham like most people do, so I guess I’m easily forgotten.

But what really riles at me is that no one bothers just texting or something. Whilst I was in hospital I was going out of my skull bored, but I wasn’t running around demanding attention. My friends knew I was in hospital and didn’t even text me once, none of them. And that fucking hurt. When people found out that I’d lost a friend when Lauren died, they didn’t know her but obviously someone dying isn’t the easiest thing to go through. A couple of people said we should meet up, just to talk, or for a distraction. Except no one bothered past that. The one thing I could have used and no one cared enough... for fuck sake there’s friends who’ve had more attention getting over a 2 month relationship. I’m not saying I wanted attention. That’s pathetic. I just could have actually used someone to talk to properly, y’know?

I’m actually getting so tired of people having half made plans to meet up, or saying we’ll sort something out cos that never gets followed through with. I find it hilarious that someone had a go at me saying that I seemed to be acting like they didn’t exist after they’d moved away to go to uni and that wasn’t true – they’d message me or text me first when I was going to, and when I did talk first, they’d not reply for ages, if ever. Pot. Kettle. Black.

So many people just rant at me and go on and I’m happy to listen (ironically…). There was someone not long ago who was listing every issue in his life and they were so trivial. I didn’t say that to him obviously but I was pointing out things for example, when he said he hated college, I said it’s not forever. But he didn’t listen. It just pissed me off cos so many people have bigger problems. When you help someone through something they always say I’m here if you need me too, and funnily enough, everyone’s pissed off when you do need them which is an unbelievable kick in the teeth and means I’ve been pretending to cope, when in fact I’m an ultimate wreck, keeping everything to myself cos I've got no one to properly let off steam to, just once. Some days are fine and other times I just get pissed at eeeeeeverything, even things that don’t matter, but b/c everything’s piled up I can’t even seem to identify what matters and what doesn’t.

I hardly offer much do I.. I can't hear for shit, can't keep up like a normal 19 year old and I'm constantly coughing all the damn time. But there was me thinking that people are meant to look past those things? Unfortunately the people who do, I don't get to see much, for so many reasons that aren't anybody's fault.

Okay so yeah I do actually sound like a complete dick, and a self absorbed prick at the moment, but I don’t care and I’m just tired of so much right now.