Long year? Long post

This year has been weird. I haven't done anything. Haven't achieved anything. Some time at the beginning of the year these days, I write down some goals. Not resolutions, just stuff I'd like to achieve or move towards. I've been writing 'get a job' for ages now. Didn't manage that this year either. I always put 'have less Ivs' and then some twat with a cold comes along every 5 seconds and throws that out of the window.

I found some goals from last year and I have achievements I'd hope to reach in the gym. I've since stopped going to the gym, which didn't help that. Part of it was due to the fact that the gym I went to scrapped all the fee deductions (including a deduction for being referred via the GP, that £10 off was the closest thing the council gym would offer towards a prescribed membership.) So all in all, the fee I was paying, doubled. Actually it more than doubled by a few pounds. I tried to complain to this, pointing out that exercise was something that everyone should be able to access and I couldn't afford it anymore. I simply got told that with the new fees, I was saving money (I wasn't). The other reason I stopped going was because of the hemo in June. I think of it way too often and its made me a right basket case. Sometimes I'm fine, other times I cough a bit harder, like during a big physio session, and spend the next few hours worrying and wondering if its going to happen again, then wondering what time it is, what day it is, and how that affected if I would be able to contact my team if it did etc.

The even stupider thing is, I spent years going to the gym, and doing classes like body pump and metafit, but never saw much of a difference. I took pictures in the gym mirror (as you do) and I could never see a change - I only ever wanted some strength and tone, yet I looked the same as I did when I first started and ached for a week over lifting light weights and doing 10 squats. I found it off putting and tried to ignore it but still felt annoyed that other people in my classes could do stuff I couldn't manage, despite only starting the classes a week or two ago, whilst I'd been doing it for over 2 years 3x a week.

There's also the shoulder injury. After being ignored by physios for months, I went to the GP again, misunderstood her, ended up travelling 45 minutes to a different hospital for a steroid injection, for it to wear off a few months later and need a second one in December (which i got from the GP himself). Bright side is the second one didn't hurt (first one bloody knacked) but I certainly wound myself up about it whilst in the waiting room, expecting to go through the pain from the first one again. I also still have to go to see my local physio a lot and she actually said a lot of the problem is posture, and that not being picked up by my own chest physios really pissed me off.

IVs wise, I would have done better without the colds I caught (wouldn't we all), one particularly shining moment was finishing two weeks with my old rubbish port, to catch a cold the day before the needle came out and need more ivs about 3 weeks later, when I'd been hitting 3 months again which had taken a lot of work. There's also the IVs I needed for the embolisation as Queen Wuss here needed general anaesthetic as I refused to lie awake while someone poked away at a groin vein.

I completed my level 2 in bookkeeping, quite well actually. My tutor squealed and hugged me as she gave me the results from the first exam, and texted me the results (with annoying suspense) as we went to the hospital for the embo, telling me I'd passed the second exam, and the course, and gotten really good marks on the subjects. A bit annoying my overall result doesn't reflect that, as you just get a pass or fail! But I was secretly a bit smug knowing I'd passed alongside 2 others on our first attempt, whilst the others failed, and blamed the tutor. Truth was, it was a 4hr class once a week, you kind of had to put a bit of effort in the home study. I'd even passed with two less weeks of revision and study than the others did, due to the embolisation and then John and I going on a camping holiday (apparently I like to pack all the adventure into one week).

But I still don't have a job. I got an interview before I'd even passed my course - from advice from my tutor, as I'd likely to have passed by the time a job actually started. The interview was 'casual' and they mostly just wanted to ask about the experience in the workplace I had, which is shit and very little. They also said the course I'd just done, my AAT level 2 in bookkeeping, was useless for this AAT accounting apprenticeship (no it wasn't, but that really knocked me). After not hearing from them for ages, the recruiter said they were impressed with me and I was still in the running. A couple of weeks later, I heard back with requests of what I'd require re: adjustments so I could do the job around my deafness. They needed to know this 'before offering me the position' and I got my hopes up. A couple more weeks and I get the rejection email. They went for the fresh out of school with 'relevant A levels' kid, saying my course 'was a good start' and took a jab at my completely irrelevant A levels and uni degree. Its not my fault I didn't know I wanted to work in that sector when I was 15 and choosing A levels. My school didn't even offer those A levels. It was such a kick in the teeth, to use a roundabout, seemingly a bit weird excuse, to not give me the job based on something they told me wasn't an issue during the interview.

I haven't had an interview since. I had one recruiter email me for a local accountant, who wasn't interested in my qualifications as 'full training and qualifications are included in the job study package' (read: its a beginners apprenticeship). What was weird was that he wanted me to have lots of experience in the role. I have some. Not much, but I have a friend who is an accountant, and also the boss of the charity shop I've been volunteering in. She lets me do accounting related tasks in the shop and lets me assist her when she does some freelance accounting work. She's the only person who's offered me the chance to get some experience. Because I had limited experience, the recruiter never replied again. Bit rude. And really odd - you probably wouldn't have a massive wealth of experience in accounting without some qualifications, but as he said they weren't necessary, it makes me wonder what he was looking for. Is that the loop I'm stuck in forever? To never get an entry level job because I don't have experience, yet no one will offer me some?

I wasn't even jumping for joy at the idea of an apprenticeship to be honest. £3.50 an hour for the first year and you're expected to be able to do the 40hrs a week. Not really going to manage that and £3.50ph working part time, with bills and fuel and a wedding to save for? Not happening. I've applied for other jobs I'm now qualified for with my level 2, but even when the job says experience isn't necessary, of course I'm going to be looked over when someone with loads of experience applies. The odd suck. I've even been to the job centre and a local job fair as well as regularly applying for anything in a 30 mile radius. Still came out with nothing.

People tell me to work in a shop. I'd rather not. I know those who work in shops, and they're forever picking up germs off people who do their shopping even while ill. I don't need help picking up germs as it is. Plus with the hearing issues, I've always got to ask someone else to help if someone speaks to me as I never hear them the first (or fifth) time. Then when you take away other things, like jobs involving anything hearing related (i.e. phones, receptionists etc) and whatever a 5'1 weak short arse can't do (no stacking shelves for me) I'm limited. Thats why I did the course, to try and be able to better myself and get a good job with a future and good prospects that also works around having CF. And even though I spent months doing the bloody thing, working hard and apparently being left out by the other people on the course, it's still got me sodding nowhere.

My ports fucked too. Its so slow. Those infusion bubbles used to take 30 mins (it even says it takes that long on the sticker). They now take about 1hr 15. It came out of nowhere. Over the last couple of years it slowed to 45 mins but I always put that down to maybe not taking them out of the fridge early enough. But now, syringes are so stiff, the 60ml ceft syringe (filled to 30ml) takes about 20 minutes and hurts my hand. Even the 10ml syringes are stupidly slow. We've tried a special strong heparin that dissolves stuff in the line, to no effect. I have a linogram on the 11th, to hopefully find out if theres a reason, and if the port is salvageable. It's not broken, but its taking so long, and getting so stupid, that I can't just leave it like that until it does cark it. Either way, it better just behave until after the wedding! I can handle a course or two with it playing silly beggars.

One thing I'm looking forward to this year: Getting married! 3 1/2 months to go, a handful of things left to sort, and hopefully a lovely honeymoon afterwards! Maybe to make the year easier on myself, I should just aim to make sure I turn up on the right day, and not a week early as I've done with parties in the past...