Monday, 6 June 2011

Put it into perspective.

Finally finished IVs after 3 weeks today! And last night, in the bar, a bloke heard me cough and said 'Well that's a bad cold you've got!'. I just replied 'I wish'. IVs will never get rid of my cough the way they used to when I was a little kid. But they do make it better - the whole reason for going on IVs was b/c of the cold I'd had, and the number it did to my chest. I had THE most disgusting cough, felt like general shite and wasn't getting any sleep for it. Neither was anyone else in the house (and neither were any neighbours who leave their windows open on a night). I've finished them feeling way better than I was. On and off side effects all 3 weeks were a bit disconcerting, as they usually last the first few days and then leave, never to darken my (very painful to walk into) door frame again. But now they're done, and gone, and I'm finally free once again :)

I've been out a couple of times, whilst on IVs (typical) but had a laugh nevertheless. IVs don't stop me. They never have. Unless it was a pool party... Don't think I've got the risk of that happening in the UK to be honest! There was some really nice days of gorgeous weather. I went for walks every day it was nice. Short walks. IVs aren't a miracle worker on me! But a walk enough for me to consider it physio, as walking always helps. On the days I went on walks, I'd always walk down to the river, and then walk up behind the boathouse where there was a bench. Every day I sat on that bench, was a butterfly. It just sat and fluttered. I'm not sure it was the same one every time, but it looked the same. The same pattern, same colour. Same ballsy fearless attitude not to fly away when I went near it. Call me crazy, but I had a huge Bree vibe from it. I have no idea why. So maybe it was her just letting me know she's okay. Cos it's something I've been massively worried about.

My sign language course has been postponed for a week. Not sure why but I don't see why it matters as I'm still doing the course, just one week later. I'm positive it's just 3 weeks (although the thought that I could actually learn a new language in 3 weeks is almost laughable if you're aware of the state of my memory) I heard the teacher saying something about 5 weeks, so now I'm confused! I'm looking forward to it. I'm curious about the other people who'll be there. It's bound to be a mixed bag due to the nature of the course and the timing of it.

And then everything is put into perspective.

A girl who went to the same high school as me died two weeks ago; she was killed when a tree crushed her car as she was driving along a narrow road during the strong winds (about 80mph) there was that day. She was 18. I didn't know her personally - she was two years younger than me, and was in year 11 when I was in upper 6th. But I probably walked past her, saw her around without realising. You see everyone in that school at some point, you just don't know their names. Her funeral was on Friday, and the Abbey in Hexham was packed with people who knew and loved her. From what I've heard, she really lived her life to the full. But regardless of knowing her or not, the accident has hit me quite hard. It's made me realise the fragility of life, and how easily it can be lost. Having CF, being surrounded by hospitals, and knowing other people with lung diseases, some who sadly pass away, you do get slightly used to death, as bad as it sounds. But a lot of the time (albeit not always) you have a warning. Having CF (or any life threatening illness) is a warning in itself. Sometimes they're slipping away, and you know, even if you try and deny it, that they're not going to be here forever. So an accident like this, has shook me to my core. I've always considered you'd have a warning, especially when it comes to CF. But sometimes you don't. And it makes me realise that I spend too much time doing nothing, when I could be doing something. I don't mean, trying to save the world every day. That would take more energy than I've got! I just mean, spending more time with the people you love, and making sure they know it. Making memories, so, god forbid anything happens to anyone, you know that you have something to remember with a smile.

Emma will always be remembered. And I'm just scared that one day, I won't be.

By the by, I don't mean to get all depressive on you all. These are just thoughts and stuff that's been on my brain, and I just needed to write them down :)

1 comment:

Gem said...

That's so weird. I've just heard that one of my friends at school was killed this morning. I don't know any details but I was literally thinking exactly what your blog says. It comes as a total shock. I used to play hockey with Kathy, sat next to her on the bus. I haven't spoken to her for a few years but it comes as such a massive shock.

You missy will NEVER be forgotten. I can garauntee you that now!

Big hugs!

Loveyou xxxxxxxxxxxx

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