A lot of things can change in a year.

Thank you for all the comments I got on the previous post. At least I'm not the only one who feels like that. Truth be told it's a daily feeling but time just came to snap and write it all down. I was in a bit of a bitchy mood so I'm glad everyone didn't just tell me to get lost and wallow in my pissed off hole! I wouldn't blame you if you did though!

Anyway, as I was saying... A lot of things can change in a year, and its funny how they can be both sudden and gradual. I went on a walk with my cousin today, attempting to take the same route we took last year to get to Bluebell Woods. It's massive, and everything looks the same, but we were aiming to find a clearing full of bluebells so we could take loads of photos.

Didn't *quite* go to plan, considering we got beyond epically lost. The only down side to the day was the fact that I was so exhausted. Last year I didn't have much of a problem walking that far, sometimes I felt so well and could walk so far that I almost felt... dare I say it... Normal. I used to be able to walk for ages. The walk we went on last year, we ended up walking about 3 1/2 miles, getting lost through the woods and ending up in a Quarry. This time I was already pretty tired walking down the hill to my cousins house. I kept going, I usually refuse to stop and just go a bit slower instead. I stopped so many times. I don't mean stop for 2 minutes leaning against a tree to get your breath back kind of stop. I all out just sat on the floor and coughed, got out of breath and ended up with a whacking headache. I was dead on my feet by the time we got back home.

I feel like shit is the general outcome of this walk! I had a temperature (pretty sure I shouldn't be wearing a hoodie in this warm weather!! But I had to cos I felt freezing) a headache, felt dizzy and was way dehydrated. Not trying this again in a hurry, that's for sure.

I've almost finished my three weeks easter holidays and I think I've gotten too accustomed to being able to sleep in till whenever. I've not just done nothing though. I've completed about half of the project we've just started, and almost completed the assignment which is due on 12th May and it wasn't fun, to say the least. About 17 reports, and I've almost completed them all. Just a 1000 word reflection to go (!)

Annnnd I get my car tomorrow. So excited :) I've still not passed, so I have to have someone who is over 21 and passed for at least 3 years sitting next to me whilst I'm in my car, but hopefully won't be too long till I do pass, I'm way more comfortable learning in the ford fiesta, and I've stopped stalling completely. A massive problem I had with the Suzuki cos I can't hear the engine so kept stalling a lot right up till my test :S I think the instructor I have now is a lot more professional though. And b/c of her mirror on the windscreen letting me lipread her, it means we can have a bit of a chat instead of being relatively quiet and only talking once I've pulled over.

Now time for too many photos. I tend to do that :D

Ignore the name on some of them... haha some are out of my portfolio therefore I've put my name on them to make them look a tad more professional :D

3am rambles.

Okay soooo bit of a pre-warning thing. It's probably a bad idea for me to be blogging due to a, the mood/mindset I’m in right now and b, the time, cos I just tend to stop making sense after a certain amount of time even if I don’t feel tired (it’s currently 3am). I’m really pissed off and need to write this down and get it out. I’ll probably piss myself off more by sounding like a prick and end up deleting this entry or something but I don’t even care right now.

At the moment I’m just angry cos I feel like I’m the one that no one bothers with. Don’t get me wrong, there are people who are absolutely amazing and the best friends I could ask for but silly things like distance and cross infection get in the way (tbh mostly distance if I’m honest. I know cross infection does exist but it hasn’t stopped me from meeting people and having a laugh – you just have to have common sense about certain things). Hmm, tangent much? Yeah anyway, the people who do live near me, in all honesty don’t seem to… fucking bother with me, for lack of another way to put it. I know people meet up, and I just tend to not be told. It’s not everyone – some just don’t do much so it’s the odd night out at the pub which is basically the only time I see people. Fairly depressing. I don’t live right under their nose in Hexham like most people do, so I guess I’m easily forgotten.

But what really riles at me is that no one bothers just texting or something. Whilst I was in hospital I was going out of my skull bored, but I wasn’t running around demanding attention. My friends knew I was in hospital and didn’t even text me once, none of them. And that fucking hurt. When people found out that I’d lost a friend when Lauren died, they didn’t know her but obviously someone dying isn’t the easiest thing to go through. A couple of people said we should meet up, just to talk, or for a distraction. Except no one bothered past that. The one thing I could have used and no one cared enough... for fuck sake there’s friends who’ve had more attention getting over a 2 month relationship. I’m not saying I wanted attention. That’s pathetic. I just could have actually used someone to talk to properly, y’know?

I’m actually getting so tired of people having half made plans to meet up, or saying we’ll sort something out cos that never gets followed through with. I find it hilarious that someone had a go at me saying that I seemed to be acting like they didn’t exist after they’d moved away to go to uni and that wasn’t true – they’d message me or text me first when I was going to, and when I did talk first, they’d not reply for ages, if ever. Pot. Kettle. Black.

So many people just rant at me and go on and I’m happy to listen (ironically…). There was someone not long ago who was listing every issue in his life and they were so trivial. I didn’t say that to him obviously but I was pointing out things for example, when he said he hated college, I said it’s not forever. But he didn’t listen. It just pissed me off cos so many people have bigger problems. When you help someone through something they always say I’m here if you need me too, and funnily enough, everyone’s pissed off when you do need them which is an unbelievable kick in the teeth and means I’ve been pretending to cope, when in fact I’m an ultimate wreck, keeping everything to myself cos I've got no one to properly let off steam to, just once. Some days are fine and other times I just get pissed at eeeeeeverything, even things that don’t matter, but b/c everything’s piled up I can’t even seem to identify what matters and what doesn’t.

I hardly offer much do I.. I can't hear for shit, can't keep up like a normal 19 year old and I'm constantly coughing all the damn time. But there was me thinking that people are meant to look past those things? Unfortunately the people who do, I don't get to see much, for so many reasons that aren't anybody's fault.

Okay so yeah I do actually sound like a complete dick, and a self absorbed prick at the moment, but I don’t care and I’m just tired of so much right now.

Weight.

^^^ inventive title of the century here...

I realised after I published my previous post that I never mentioned how clinic went on Monday. Annnnd my weight went up almost 2kg in 6 weeks :D

I think it had something to do with drinking both a fortijuice, an enshake, and having my lunch, a packet of crisps and basically everything chocolately in the house within the space of three hours before my appointment. But it worked, and now I've got the task of doing that every time I'm off to hospital to make sure that it stays up. My weight has been around 42kg for a bit now which is taking the absolute piss, cos when I had my PEG in, about 2 1/2 years ago I made a deal with the dietitian that if I got from my current weight (about 42kg back then too I think) to at least 44kg within a few clinic appts she'd let me have my PEG taken out. And tbh I was determined to do it cos I hadn't actually used the thing for at least a year. So when I got my weight up to the highest it's ever been, 46kg, all on my own with no PEG, I was thrilled and determined to keep it there. But in the 6 months or so I've had crappy times and feeling like general shit so my weight dropped and those really difficult 4kg just disappeared.

It's so hard having a target weight cos when you get your act together, and it all piles on, you get about halfway and then just seem to stick! And then the other half just seems so impossible to put on, despite the fact that you drink every suppliment going, eat so much junk food, and basically live in the local burger king, mcdonalds, and various takeaways. I mean, shit, I went out on Thursday and had a curry with friends at weatherspoons for the curry night, and the amount of food they give you! Although I think I've probably lost half of the weight I gained from that curry from laughing for a solid 10 minutes at the popadoms.

Don't ask.

But seeing as coughing jacks up all the weight before you get to declare yourself obese, laughing and then coughing forever basically means I might as well have ordered a salad. But salads are disgusting and my chicken korma was lush. So it's not a difficult choice.

Oh and my lung function. I'm not sure what it was but I was knackered doing it, as per. I think it was good though. It better bloody be seeing as the IVs I had in hospital obviously caught me before I actually felt like death (i.e. when my LF likes to drop 25% in a month.. *grumbles*), therefore I'm hoping that it goes for the same as my LF itself - catching it before it drops silly amounts and keeps it stable at my nice normal numbers. Even if I never actually feel as well as someone who has an average 60-65% LF. Seriously. Correct me if I'm wrong, but at that sort of level I'm not meant to get pure knackered just walking up a flight of stairs... right?

Hmm. Oh well. I'm hungry now. I shouldn't have mentioned the curry, cos now I want it again.

Bad blogger.

Yeah okay I suck. I've got nothing to write about therefore I just... don't. I wouldn't say life is all that thrilling in anyway, even more so lately. But there are some good things, first off being that I applied for motability, qualified for it and now I'm getting a red Fiat 500 in exchange for the higher rate motability allowance :D Wahey, I have to admit I'm erm... totallyfuckingexcited?!

Okay so yeah I haven't passed my test yet, I've only just found a new instructor and she's ace. She has a second mirror for me that she places so I can see her face, so I can basically lipread through the mirror rather than completely taking my eyes off the road to see her face. I'm way more comfy in this car (ford fiesta) compared to what I was learning in before, a suzuki swift, so yay! But in all honesty I wouldn't choose the fiesta for my own car b/c of one main reason - moving the seat close enough to be able to actually use the foot pedals brings me so close that I can literally rest my elbows on the steering wheel. So I can deal with that for a few lessons. (I'll take my test again, I'll sodding pass it, and then find the chicken who ruined my first attempt and cook the fuck out of the feathery little bastard).

Also... I've only got 6 weeks left at college. 3 of those are my easter holidays (as of last Friday afternoon) so I know there's no chance I'll be taking my test and passing it before then. Maybe a good thing, cos it means I have all summer to practice driving alone before taking the scaryscary drive to college all on my own (and then the fun begins with finding a parking space... even WITH my blue badge!) Yet even more incensitive to pass is to just ditch the taxis. Wednesday afternoon was my last taxi ride till I'm back at college. To say it was a disaster is putting it lightly. I'll break it down...

• 30 mins late, he picks me up from college (I'm not being picky here, just pointing it out - I was in Newcastle, which is basically drowning in these taxis, and on average I can get picked up within 5 mins max)
• He reads my address, and headed straight for Durham. Ignoring the part of my address that says Consett which is in the complete opposite direction (Durham is the county I live in, I don't live in the centre)
• He pulls out his a-z map(!) and sets off
• Why he didn't have a sat nav is beyond me. But then again most taxi drivers ignore the sat nav yelling at them to take which ever turns and usually miss my house completely, resulting in me pointing them the way for minimum 3 consecutive corners up to my house
• I start to realise that I don't recognise the direction he's going (there's several routes and I don't know them all)
• He asks me which is the best way to go..! To which I replied I've never been this direction before
• More to the point he's heading for Durham, and I live in CONSETT!!!
• (big difference)
• He pulls into a garage and asks for directions
• Finally gets into his head that he's supposed to head for consett, and goes the right way. I start to recognise the places and can point him the right direction when he starts to get lost again
• Eventually get home after about an hour, when the journey should have taken 25 mins. A very pissed off me tells him to get a sat nav for future reference, and saaaaaalams the door when getting out.
• So he spends 15mins on the phone talking to whoever. If it's the taxi firm he works for, complaining about me, then I'll give as good as I'll get b/c what he did was dangerous, stupid, and a little bit thick.

So yeah. See why I hate the taxis? I can't take the bus b/c of the distance I'd have to walk, and plus the timing for the buses are just silly. So it's taxis till I pass my test. The joy.