Breathe easy beautiful girly.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write. I even considered not writing at all, in the hope that it's not real. That it's just some bad dream I'll wake up from.

But I've tried to wake up and I just can't.

Lauren was just 19, and passed away from Cystic Fibrosis yesterday.

I will always consider you one of my best CF friends. Cos even though we never met, I love you just as much as I do with those who I see every day. We talked mostly through email. Cos you emailed me more than a year and a half ago saying you'd read my blog for a while and finally decided to email me as you said I seemed like someone you'd be friends with back home, and it'd be cool to talk to another person with CF, even though we never just talked about CF stuff. So we talked a lot, emails and cards back and forth. We helped each other through problems and bitched about stuff, made each other laugh.

One of the last cards I sent a couple of months ago, whilst you were still in hospital, had that toy story song written in. I love the song and it just seemed... apt, I guess is the word.

Some other friends might be

a little smarter than I am

bigger and stronger, too

maybe

but none of them will ever love you

the way I do

it's me and you

and as the years go by

boy, our friendship will never die

you're gonna see, it's our destiny

you've got a friend in me

We also got our first ever moonpig cards off each other which is pretty cool. Mine was another get well soon card whilst you were in Southampton, and you said it made you smile so much. It was the least I could do. I felt so helpless being so far away. You sent me mine for my birthday. It's still on my wall. And that's where it's staying.

I can't explain how unfair this is. How bad it hurts. I've lost friends before, but no one I was this close to. The pain is enough to tear you apart. But I'd never take away the friendship we had in order to not feel like this. We knew you weren't well. But I guess I was in denial. Constantly worrying, being scared, but all along thinking, you'll be okay, you'll pull through.

Breathe easy. My only consolation is that you're no longer struggling, in pain. And you're with those who've already left us before. Dancing with the stars, without pain or breathlessness to hinder you any more.

And that's all I can write for now


P.s. As I'm making it a yearly thing to do the CF zipslide in Newcastle, and I've already decided I'm doing this years zipslide too (In October, off the baltic centre for art) and I've decided to dedicate it to your memory. I can't believe we'll never email or send cards to and fro again. But I can do this for you xxxxx

RIP 04/12/91 - 16/02/11