Friday, 17 October 2008

The real problem with reality is that there's no backround music.

How do you start this kind of thing? Do you need to introduce yourself? Just start slap bang in the middle, as if you've been doing this for years? Or do you start with a reason? Maybe I'll do that. With a bit of my history dashed in. There's no point in banging on about something that no one knows about. Although I do feel inclined to mention, that many a time, I start a conversation (or in this case, a blog post) on one topic, and end up talking about something completely unrelated. Well, that's just me.

So, back to my original point, and I do mean original in the sense that I was going to start this entire blog off on. I know how people always say you shouldn't take things for granted. Which has irritatingly enough become true to me. Because of my cystic fibrosis (look it up yourself, I'm lazy) I lost my hearing due to the fact I was constantly bombarded by an avalanche of different meds to keep it under control. The doctor never said anything about loosing my hearing, as it was such a rare side effect that they never thought it would happen to me while I was about 8. Hahaha. Wrong. So I'm majoritally deaf and I really hate it. I do try and keep it on the down low but I suppose basically everyone I meet figures it out because I have to ask about 5 times what their name is. And I still don't seem to understand what they say. See, I'm not just deaf, it’s as if something has gone missing in the circuit of hearing, and I have constant ringing in my ears and when people talk, I have to really strain to understand. It’s just not fair. Everyone takes their hearing for granted; I just don't see why I had to loose mine. Nine years on and I still haven't really got the hang of it. I really hate it.

But this is not the only little gem of crap that I've got from CF, I also found out how I'll need a lung transplant sometime in my life. There's no way to tell when. May be in my 20's, 30's or 40's, depends on how long I can stick it out for. This, practically learning my freakin mortality, scared me shitless, yet I can't talk to my mates about this because they just don't want to know. Yes, I know it’s kind of a strange thing for a 17 year old to talk about, yet I need to, because otherwise it just festers about and I get upset with the weight of what I have to carry around. I know I need to accept this, but I do need to get upset about it first. And despite what my friends tell me, I cannot just forget about it. I really can't. And I know they'd feel the exact same as me if they were in my position, yet they seem to have minimal empathy for me. I guess the reason I wanted to start this blog was to whine about things like that. Things that I need to talk about, but short of having a therapist, I can't talk about. If I'm entirely honest, I'm scared to look to the future. I'm just too scared to think ahead as there's no predicting my CF.

So, on that note, I'd like to apologize to myself for taking for granted two of the most important things in my life (although everyone takes them for granted, and I still can't see some Divine reason why it was me that got lumped with this shit) I know it can't be magically fixed no matter how much I wish it would.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My best friend since kindergarten has CF and though I haven't personally gone through the same things and know how it goes. She has been on oxygen for eight years and just recently has a lung transplant. All I can say is don't give up hope! She wasn't suppose to make it to junior high and now has the opportunity to graduate with her classmates next year without lugging around an oxygen tank. I haven't read all you blogs but good luck in the future. You never know what may happen! :)

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