Tuesday, 6 January 2015

2014. In a small novel.

Right then. Excuse my massive lack of blogging. Apparently 2014 wasn't the year of blogging for me, although I doubt i'll ever get back into the continous posts like I used to; its more of a 'now and again' thing for me. I get stuck with what to write and I don't exactly want to write only when shit things happen. I.e. when a friend passes away.

2014 itself was a bit of a mixed bag. There was some brilliant things (moving out was a massive achievement!) quite a few weddings, meeting the one and only Gem, and some amazing friends, with nights in and nights out. The crapola side of things included quite a few people passing away. Some I knew quite well, others I'd only known in passing and only spoken to a handful of times. But either way, it doesn't make it any less sad.

One thing that definitely gripes at me though; When someone dies, why do people feel the need to write about how amazing that person was? Fair enough if they were, for starters, the beautiful Emily Thackray passed away a few days after christmas, and whilst I'd only spoken to her a couple of times, I can fully apperciate people's messages about her, saying how selfless, bubbly, full of life and simply amazing she was. Not one person had a bad thing to say about her.

Another friend passed away in the middle of the year. Ayesha had had her transplant in 2011, and had a very up and down journey afterwards. If there was something to catch, she had the annoying abilty to, well, catch it. In the past few months before she'd died, she'd been at uni, and we'd been talking a lot less. Mostly because she'd been so busy and getting on with things. I don't like to bother people when they're busy, I feel like an inconvenience for popping up on chat and saying 'hi'. So over the last several years, she'd always be the one who started every conversation. Unless I was in the middle of a drama and sent her a 'very urgent message' because I was annoying myself with my fantastic ability to be an obsessive twat. She'd also, in all honesty, severely been pissing me off, in the months before we'd drifted. She was being silly and immature, she could be just as obsessive over stupid little things as I could, she wasn't always the smartest person in terms of her treatment (she'd piss me off a treat by saying the taste of colo nebs made her want to vomit, and refused to listen to me when I said that was nothing compared to tobi nebs!). So when she passed away, and all the novels about such an amazing person who could do no wrong cropped up, I was annoyed. They were either written by people who never knew her, or were just sprouting it because everyone thinks you should never ever say a bad word about a dead person.

(Fuck that. In the very very distant future, for me, I don't want any of that shit. I want people to tell the truth about what an annoying, grumpy cow I could be. Although I do hope I've had my moments, I know my good parts don't describe even a full fraction of me)

In the couple of months before Ayesha had died, we'd talked a few times. She was always busy busy with her exams, always revising, and I again, felt like I was bothering her and keeping her from important things. But in those times we'd talked, she sounded more mature, like she'd grown up a lot in that first year at uni. I thought to myself, "after her exams are finished, I think I'll make more of an effort". Unfortunately that never came. I saw a message on her wall saying Ayesha was quite ill in ICU. I stupidly shrugged it off, thinking she'd be back on her normal ward in a few days, like she always used to be. Ayesha hadn't really updated people about her health via her facebook. She wasn't one for novelist health updates in a status. But she had told me in the first half of 2014, she'd had rejection, swine flu, aspergillious and pneumonia. Because she could never do bumps in the road quietly could she?! I'd stupidly not realised she'd been in hospital as long as she had. A few days after the ICU post, I noticed friends and family posting (what I assume were) Muslim prayers on her page. Obviously I don't understand the language they were writing in, and it was only when John came back from work to tell me he thinks she had died, that I checked again and saw a post from her boyfriend saying RIP.

I was gutted. I was furious at her for dying. And in all honestly, a bit pissed off when people had said 'I was only talking to you last week' and wondering why we'd fallen out of contact so much - fair enough I hadn't spoken to her, but she hadn't spoken to me either. It's very weird how you can go from uber close to a whatsapp message that starts with 'hey stranger'.

Aside from all of that, 2014 wasn't the shittest it could have been. My health has been stable and my weight has topped to 51kg at its highest; something I never thought I'd manage. I've been on IVs far too much for my liking, which is my aim to avoid for this year. I've gotten into 'papercutting' which is a cool craft thing, a bit dangerous when you consider me + scalpel, but the results are cool. And I've yet to lose a finger so I think I'm doing okay. The flat we have is lovely - its a 1st floor flat which makes the steep stairs a bit of a pain, but the fact that its our flat, where we live together, and are in charge of those scary bill things, and we even did the extremely adult thing of buying a sofa. A lush corner sofa that took two attempts to be delivered and accumulated in having to have the doorframe removed to get it in, but a lush sofa non the less.

2015 seems to hold a few more weddings, and a few babies to arrive. And a few cool road trips - one wedding reception we're going to will include a trip to harry potter studios with John, his sister and her boyfriend, a trip to see john's uncle, and then round to annoy gem again with my camera in her face (sorry!) before the 7 hour drive home. I can just hope that I don't do whatever I did at the last wedding/marathon road trip and don't get a trapped sciatic nerve again. It took me ages to master those crutches.

I also want to venture into finding a job. I feel like I can manage a part time job, I don't know if I'll ever manage full time, but I think part time is a good place to start. I've mentioned this in a previous post, and I swear no one is fucking happy about the choices I make - e.g. they say I'm lazy for sitting at home (working on my health!) and not having a job, but when I make movements to look for a job, people doubt I can manage, some say I'd make more on benefits(!) - a massive lie though, believe me, I've done the sums and would rather not be tied up in the benefit system if it was avoidable - and saying that I'll probably catch stuff. I already catch stuff from just doing the weekly shop or going for a cup of tea with a friend. I'm going mad sitting around now I have more energy. I need to put it to use.

So. Novel over I think! Here's some pictures to round it all off :)


Paper cutting :)
Gem!
Me and John. I'm small, yes
SOFAAAAAA

Maturity with my morning tablets
Freedom from one of the many IV courses
The little yellow duck project was launched this year - this is one of the ducks I made that was left with a name tag explaining what to do
Weird firework photo
Being sensible around the fireworks.

The lovely Polo I swapped the Fiat 500 for in April :)


The kitchen! Only took me 10 months to get it how I wanted
Our  first tree!

Another weird firework photo, from new years eve




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