As if I needed anything else going on. I have a new problem. I don't even know exactly what it is, but I keep trying to put it into words and talk to family/close friends about it in the hope that talking about it would elevate the apparent massive weight I seem to be holding over myself, but so far I haven't noticed a difference.
I seem to be having some issues with swallowing food. I don't know where it's come from. I lost my appetite back in july just before my admission, and I felt sick all the time then, but I think it was from constant coughing so I just went off food. This time, my appetite has taken a hit (I'm fairly sure I've got another infection but the gremlins in my chest keep changing back and forth every day so it's hard to tell from that alone, although I think I do need IVs and it'd be wonderful if that was the ultimate fix for all) and I'm not eating as much as I usually do. Highly irritating, I love food, if I have food I really like, I'll happily eat as much as I can or until I've scraped the plate clean, and probably still have room for a few cheeky snacks in a bid to add up those calories.
At the moment, I can't even finish one meal. I can hardly get round that first mouthful. The main problem seems to be that I feel sick with food in my mouth, and actually swallowing the food is a massive struggle. Worse if its food you have to chew cos I put it off so long it just seems even more impossible to swallow it. But the odd thing is, once I've swallowed the food I'm fine. But it happens again with each mouthful. It's so frustrating. I'm hungry, I want my food, I want to gain weight. Jeans I wear every day are starting to hang off me and I'm so scared. I can't lose any more weight without probably being forced into having NG or a new button - its already been brought it a multitude of times before, when my weight was more than it is now, simply because even when my appetite is amazing, I still don't gain anything.
I think the threat of another button is sitting deep in my mind, along with worries of my chest, and that this loss of weight and any further loss is going to help nothing. After suffering a massive drop in july/august, I wanted my lung function back up to my highest numbers and knew that a big part of this would be weight related. I'm more than a stone and a half away from a good healthy weight, and it seems like such an unattainable target. I'm happy with every pound or tiny morsel I put on, and know it all contributes. I'd give anything to be a good 10kg heavier than I am now. Last time I was weighed I was 40kg, scares the shit out of me.
It's odd, its not like an eating disorder, its not like im physically trying to stop myself eating or lose weight. I hate that I'm thin, I hate that I'm getting tired doing nothing and that you can see my ribs, my shoulders stick out horribly and its goddamn impossible to find a pair of jeans that fit. I went through so many shops the other week, trying on various size 6's just to find what size I am so I know. In next, you could have fit a fucking watermelon in the jeans along with me. In a petite size 6. Why can't all shops just use the same fucking sizes?!
I'm getting scared and worrying myself too much, I know this. It would be so easy to switch off my brain. I try to distract myself with tv or whatever when a meal is in front of me in the hope that I don't realise I'm swallowing food. People say, well just don't think about it, don't think about what's getting you scared. If I could do that, Im sure I wouldn't have half of these problems. I get upset that I can't finish a meal. I can hardly eat half of it. I'm getting upset and angry at myself, whilst everyone else is trying to be nice and look after me, saying well done for eating half of that, as opposed to saying, there's still half left on the plate. I feel like I'm letting everyone down cos I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know how to stop it. I don't understand how something I've done every day for my entire life has suddenly become the most difficult thing to do. I just want someone to tell me what this is and give me a magic fix so I can enjoy my food again. I spend all day worrying over meals. It takes me so long to finish one and finally stop stressing over it, that it's then time for the next one. In the rare times I've got nothing in front of me and no meal to worry about for a couple of hours, I can almost feel normal again, but it all comes back once I'm back in front of a fucking plate.
We're phoning the hospital on monday, most likely aiming for the dietitian. Although I can't imagine them being sweetness and light about it - dietitians have a horrible ability to not understand, even less than the average human. You can eat a 3 course meal in front of them, lick the plates clean, and they'd still be convinced you're not eating enough and you need to do more. She'll probably suggest more supplements to start. They're horrible. I feel so full with one that it's hard to time them. You can't have them when you're full, you feel sick, and it lasts for ages. You can't have one before a meal, you're too full for your food. I just need a fairy godmother to fix this stupid swallowing mental block I have. And then I can get back to normal.
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