Thursday, 26 April 2012

Back, again, but am I staying..?

I am the worlds worst blogger, although this is for many a reason. As always I blame the whole writers block thing, although maybe this one isn't true, I just don't have anything to write about, and I'm not talented enough to make sitting around doing fuck all sound interesting. But yeah, I was feeling bad about the crapness of my blogging, especially as I was thinking about Bree and how we used to talk about our blogs a lot, we'd always ask for input on everything from trying to find a non-shitty background, or each other's opinions on our most recent posts. Once people die, and they're one of the main reasons you did something, say blog, or go on msn, you find less of a reason to go on once they're gone. Bree was the only person on msn that I'd talk to who I don't now talk to on facebook chat, and she was also one of the people's who's blogs I'd look forward too, as they'd always be funny, witty and interesting, no matter what she was talking about.

Admittedly not many people seem to blog anymore, unless it's the type of blogs that get a lot of views, as people are actually interested in reading their stories and keeping updated on their health. Plus, I'm not the type of person who posts their blog on facebook (I have admittedly done once or twice, but only made it visible to friends who'd normally see this, ie. people with CF), although that seems to be the only way to let people know you've updated nowadays as clearly the dashboard part of blogger is now too ghetto. I don't really want to advertise it right now, and never really have. It's a public blog open to anyone who finds it, but I've always thought that by not telling people, it's a way to bitch and moan about CF and everything else, and possibly keep the CF side of my life apart from my normal life (if I have such a thing) and away from my friends and family.

Anyway yes, might as well get on with the update like I did in the old school blogger days. My last clinic appointment was both really good and a complete disaster at the same time. Thankfully the disaster part wasn't anything health related. I drove to hospital directly from Hexham which I've never done before, I got to a massive roundabout and completely forgot the way I was meant to go. I went straight ahead, and soon realised I was going the wrong way - I should have taken the first exit. Apparently. I got there in the end, but it took longer and I was straining my neck looking for every red 'H' sign indicating the way to the hospital. Add this to the fact that everyone had turned into a twat on the road that day, I lost count of the amount of people who ran give way signs and forced me to slam on the brakes. I'm not the most confident driver when I don't know where I'm going, I didn't think to pull over and use the sat nav, mostly as I always misread them and can't be sure if I'm meant to take the next left, or the second left, or if I'm meant to take that exit off the motor way (all things I've probably well and truely fucked up on an average journey) so I prefer just driving to places I know, and sticking to that, even if that's fairly limited and boring. Believe me, if you know what happened when I went to the beach last summer, and to a town I had never been to before in my life, you'd understand why I prefer to stick to where I know.

The good parts of clinic was that my lung function was stable, seems to be around mid 60's at the moment, I didn't take a close look at the numbers but they were close/almost the same as last time which is good enough for me - I've not had IVs for 2 months now, which is something I'm proud of, as last Jan I had some IVs before going to London for 4 days with college. Ended up running myself down to the point where I was back on IVs a mere 2 weeks later, something I wasn't impressed with as I don't cast myself as ill enough to need IVs that often, compared to others who are a lot more iller and need IVs to make their chest act their age. But yeah, 2 months and counting, I'm putting this down to the nicer weather - I always suffer a lot more in the cold and winter, but also to the fact that I'm properly doing both nebulisers twice a day all the time now. When I'm at college, I refuse to wake up 30 mins earlier (my eflow mesh's were getting on a bit and were starting to take 15 mins each, gahhh) and so I'd just skip the morning ones when I didn't have time. Now that I'm in my final weeks of college, attendance is down the the bare minimum, and I'm literally in maybe 5-6 times before the big and scary graduation. Providing, as my tutor was cheeky enough to point out, that I actually pass. I'm not massively worried, considering the distinction I got for my latest project, and the fact that I haven't failed a thing in my two years. All I need is a pass for the next two and I'm done and dusted.

Oooh digression. Back to clinic. My next IVs aren't until end of May - I've had them scheduled quite ahead of time, which is rare for me, but I'm going to try my very bestest to hold out until then, as they'll be 3 weeks of IVs, finishing right before I go to Spain for a week, which will be my first time abroad, on a plane, and my first proper holiday in years, so it's overdue and I refuse to let my chest ruin it. My weight was also up a bit which was a relief. I'm now 43kg, getting there, but not quite up to my target (not entirely sure what my 'target' actually is, but the fatter, the better :P)

Whilst at clinic I got my good old eFlow a yearly service, they took one look at the grey wire and said 'Well that needs replacing'. I may have a slight habit of standing on it. Thankfully the eFlow passed, even with it's 11 or so years of me dropping it from considerable heights. I also got two new neb sets, the whole shebang including mouth pieces and meshes (the metal bits). I may have got slightly more happy than necessary, its weird how happy I get from new nebs. But now it's nice and fast, and both nebs are finished within 15 mins, which has cut it down half the time, whoo!

So, on the offchance that you're all old school and still check the dashboard, see that I've posted and love me enough to read this rambled crap, you're very very nice :D I'll try not to make this one much longer!!

I'll admit I was wondering about maybe jacking in the blog, as like I said, I know this isn't a very commonly read blog. I'm not sure if its related or not, but I do feel a bit of an outcast in the whole 'CF community'. I don't talk to many others, whether it's down to my shyness of not talking first, or because they're busy and don't need me wittering on. But because of this, the few people with CF I actually know and talk to, it means there's not many people in the CF land that would read this. Again this brings me back to the beginning, thinking about Bree, as if I'd not blogged in a while, she'd notice, and ask why. It was the same with Lauren too. I'll admit I wrote a very angsty post about feeling like the black sheep of a crowd of CFers, but it was written in a bad mood when I was feeling quite alone, so it's probably a good idea to, well, not post it.

And with that, I think that's the end of this one. Not sure when I'll post next, these days it's more for myself if anything as it's not really read at all! P.s. As molly requested on the last post, here's a link explaining what Pleurisy is, and the fun it entails http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pleurisy Good old wiki.

World mental heath day

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